We start with Corinne, the narcissistic rich blonde contestant who is “crushing really hard” on Nick, and could also be my daughter, if I had birthed her when I was 11, but that’s an aside. The women get invited to the group date, which is cruelly titled “Always a bridesmaid.” There’s an interview with Danielle, 27, who is blindingly attractive so I don’t listen to what she’s saying, which makes me a chauvinistic dude at heart.
The women are told by the producers to happily race toward Nick, and they do, buoyed by youth, hope, and the desire to be wed to a hipster with tendencies toward romantic angst. The women are outfitted in different bridal gowns, while Nick says that he wants to see the women “be goofy” and have fun, which foreshadows that someone will take this Too Seriously.
The shark costume girl gets drunk again. Corinne brags about having kissed Nick during the first cocktail party, and is happy about her bikini top bridal gown until she sees another girl who is supposed to be either Eve or a jungle bride and is wearing only leafy bikini bottoms with her hair covering her boobs. Thunder: stolen.
The photographer says that whoever has the best connection with Nick will get a surprise, which is either more time with Nick or a session with a therapist specializing in daddy issues, whichever a given woman needs more (hint: it should always be the second).
Jasmine kisses Nick during the shoot, which opens up the floodgates for the other women kissing him as well. Jasmine the ungrammatical mental health counselor kisses him tenderly and Corinne almost kills her. The girls discuss how Corinne is the only one who’s kissed Nick, and Liz, who’s already had sex with him, gloats to the interviewer about how she’s had sex with him. In case you missed it, she’s had sex with him. Sex. With. Him.
Nick’s photo shoot as Adam and Eve is very sexy, which makes Corinna insecure, so on her turn, she gets in the pool and TAKES OFF HER TOP literally, and Nick looks profoundly uncomfortable with this topless photo shoot in front of the other women. Holy balls, she just won the contest for being “most connected” with Nick, which isn’t fair because only her boobs were most connected with Nick. Her prize, sadly, is only another wedding photo shoot with Nick, rather than intensive outpatient therapy focused on Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
At the cocktail party, after telling the interviewer that nobody ever has or will hold her boobs the way that Nick did (really), Corinne asks Nick for alone time, during which she instantly starts making out with him as per usual. She takes a break to tell him how much she likes him, and he says he is impressed with her and how she is sexy and takes charge. No way is he marrying her, though. She’s not enough of a challenge for Nick.
The southern belle, Raven, tells Nick that she’s been cheated on before, and tells Nick that she’s previously been attracted to ass$ %@s, apparently unlike him. Corinne interrupts shark costume girl for her second time talking to Nick this evening, which she really Shouldn’t Do, according to Bachelor Etiquette. Next, the mental health counselor discusses how the majority of her work “comes down to vulnerability,” but then she, too, is interrupted by Corinne, who is now taking her third turn with Nick, which is really an unprecedented breach of protocol. Weirdly, Nick keeps letting her do this, meaning either the producers told him not to stop her, or he’s really a boob guy, to the exclusion of being a personality guy.
Uh oh! The mental health counselor steals Nick back! Later, Corinne, who is fairly inebriated, says that the mental health counselor, whose name I should really learn at some point, “re-interrupted” her and that is out of line. This is the definition of “the inability to understand others’ perspectives.” She then gives a drunken rant telling the other girls that nobody should be there to make friends, but should be there for Nick only, and so forth. Nick, bizarrely, gives Corinne the rose, who then says that her dad would be proud of her performance this evening, “even though I was naked.” The other women respond with silence, and Corinne says “I was just Corinne, that’s all I did, guys.” Which appears to be their issue.
Back at the house, Corinne tells another girl how she’s not used to guys listening to her, which is why she’s so into Nick. The helicopter comes to take Danielle, the neonatal nurse, on a one-on-one date. The other women are excited for her, or at least putting on a good impression of being excited for her. Nick and Danielle’s helicopter lands on a yacht in Newport Beach, which is like my last date, except for the yacht, helicopter, and location. It turns out that Nick and Danielle are from the same hometown, and she will be the madonna character in the madonna-whore trope that underlies the show. Three guesses who’s the whore.
Back at the house, Liz the doula tells another girl, Christen, that she had sex with Nick. She asks how much time we have left to the show, and I answer, 39 minutes. Oh wait, I was just dissociating during this awkward conversation. Christen, like all of America, appears confused as to why Liz refused to give Nick her number after the hookup but yet wants to be on the show now.
Meanwhile, on the yacht, Nick and Danielle canoodle in a cute and laid back way, but, with her low hypnotic voice and natural makeup, I think she’s too low-drama for Nick. She seems like someone that wouldn’t be terribly good in bed, unless you’re into necrophilia. Oh wait, the corpse is perking up, and that joke was in terribly poor taste, since she now is confiding that she had a dead drug addicted fiance. He wasn’t dead at the time of engagement though. We think. Danielle gets the rose, as does anyone who ever discusses a death during a one-on-one. He tells the camera that he connected with Danielle in a deeper way than he thought he would, and she’s cute and lovable and then they get on a Ferris Wheel and kiss and life is a dream when you’re young, hot, and on reality TV. Back in my life, my dog just scooted on the carpet so she probably needs her anal glands expressed.
Another date card arrives at the house and Liz is upset that that she only merits a group date invite, and not a one-on-one. Te group date is at some weird museum of things that people leave behind from failed relationships, which includes the ring that Nick used to propose to Caitlin during his failed proposal on The Bachelorette. There is a staged fight where a couple breaks up, and the stupider girls think it’s real and not staged. Then, the girls are supposed to fake break up with Nick in front of a live audience, because they have literally thought of every other date option already on this show.
Liz freaks out because she thinks that Nick is avoiding her, because drama queen. Now we move to the breakups, which are actually kind of funny, but I think my bar for humor on this show is low. Liz the drama queen tries to make this into a real conversation. She talks about their hookup at Jade and whoever’s wedding and says that he didn’t fight for her, in this fake conversation that is actually real. He is very weirded out and tells the camera that he didn’t expect Liz to share their “dating” story in front of the other women.
Group date. Nick talks to the women, trying to suss out whether they know that he’s hooked up with Liz. Christen confirmed that Liz told her that They Had Sex. He confirms this as well, and Christen thanks him for his honesty, which is apparently a thing that is done on this show a minimum of three times per episode.
Nick corners Liz and tells her that he knows that she told Christen that They Had Sex. He says that he hasn’t heard from her before this, but now she’s on the show, so if she wanted to pursue a relationship, why did she wait till she was going to be on TV to do it? She says various contradictory and confusing things that do nothing to assuage Nick’s fears that she’s a fame whore. Then he dumps her, which teaches you a lesson, ladies: if you like a dude, call him after sex, don’t wait till he’s on national TV to pursue him. Generalize to your own life situation as needed.
Nick goes back and tells the women that he Had Sex with Liz but now dumped her, and the “To Be Continued” sign comes across the screen. Next time, we see women crying because of the idea of Nick Having Sex with anyone but them. And the Bachelorette contestants and the people on Bachelor in Paradise, but whatever. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, You’re a Shoo In For Bachelor in Paradise, Liz.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.
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