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Tweets
SEC Sends Subpoena to Tesla in Probe Over Musk Tweets
Federal regulators have subpoenaed Tesla, ramping up an investigation into Chief Executive Elon Musk’s tweet last week that he had secured funding to take the electric-car maker private.
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SEC Inquired About Tesla CEO Musk’s Tweets
The regulator is examining whether Mr. Musk’s statement was truthful and inquired why the disclosure was made on Twitter.
WSJ.com: WSJD
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Guardians Of The Galaxy director fired over tweets
James Gunn has been sacked as director of Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol 3 after old tweets emerged where he joked about paedophilia and rape.
Entertainment News – Latest Celebrity & Showbiz News | Sky News
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Richard Bacon out of coma and tweets ‘I’m alive’
Richard Bacon has tweeted “I’m alive” after spending six days in a medically-induced coma.
Entertainment News – Latest Celebrity & Showbiz News | Sky News
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Can Spicy Tweets Save Our Dictionaries?
As the industry struggles, these thirsty dictionary empires battle peppily for online dominance.
NYT > Fashion & Style
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17 Tweets About The Horrifying Reality Of Accidentally Sending A Sext
Truly mortifying. 😳😳😳
Weddings – Ideas, Dresses, Songs
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19 Tweets That Sum Up The Pain Of Spending All Your Money On Weddings
“When a friend asks you to be a bridesmaid, she’s really saying ‘Give me $ 1000 & get ready to look pregnant in an empire waist dress.'”
Weddings – Ideas, Dresses, Songs
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Trump and Kanye West Share Praise-Filled Tweets. And, Apparently, ‘Dragon Energy.’
The president and the rapper share a history of unpredictable behavior — and a delight in dividing the public.
NYT > Arts
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Kanye West Steps Out in His “Make America Great Again” Hat After Controversial Tweets
Kanye West is sporting President Donald Trump’s merch.
Amid calling the 2016 presidential victor his “brother” in a controversial series of tweets, the rapper wore his…
E! Online (US) – Top Stories
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QB Allen apologizes for offensive H.S. tweets
Potential No. 1 draft pick Josh Allen acknowledged to ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith late Wednesday night that he sent out offensive tweets in high school and apologized for them.
www.espn.com – TOP
26 Tweets That Will Remind You Just How Married You Really Are
“A lot of marriage is just saying ‘Oh, you’re in here’ when you enter any room.” 😂
Weddings – Ideas, Dresses, Songs
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If You Relate To These 32 Tweets, You’re Probably Married
“90% of marriage is just loud cleaning.”
Weddings – Ideas, Dresses, Songs
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Ejections, tweets mark Wolves’ loss to Jazz
Friday’s Timberwolves-Jazz game featured three ejections, including one in which Minnesota guard Jeff Teague lowered his shoulder to send Utah’s Ricky Rubio tumbling onto the floor.
www.espn.com – NBA
East 17’s Brian Harvey held over ‘malicious tweets’
Former East 17 band member Brian Harvey has been arrested over claims he sent malicious tweets.
Entertainment News – Latest Celebrity & Showbiz News | Sky News
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Stormzy apologises for homophobic tweets
The rapper says he regrets the comments, which were used a time when he was “young and ignorant”.
BBC News – Entertainment & Arts
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Mitch McConnell Looking Queasy With Trump Prompts #FreeMcConnell Tweets
“Blink once if you want us to come get you.”
Comedy
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Jimmy Kimmel Flips Donald Trump’s ‘Fake News’ Tweets To Amusing Effect
“Such honesty!”
Comedy
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23 Funny Tweets That Will Ring True To Anyone Who’s Been Married
“Asked my husband to bring me a cookie. He brought me the whole box. We’re soul mates.”
Weddings – Ideas, Dresses, Songs
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18 Tweets About Boyfriends At Sephora That Are All Too Relatable
“My girlfriend trapped me in Sephora: A Memoir”
Weddings – Ideas, Dresses, Songs
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If These 22 Tweets Sound Familiar, You’re Probably Married
“Relationship status: Married so long that my wife thinks I’m smelling up the bathroom on purpose.”
Weddings – Ideas, Dresses, Songs
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19 Tweets That Will Make Married People Say ‘Yep, Exactly’
“My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.”
Weddings – Ideas, Dresses, Songs
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15 Tweets You’ll Understand If Your Husband Just Can’t Handle Being Sick
“Hubs and I both have the flu. Only difference is I’m cleaning the kitchen and he’s dying.” 😷
Weddings – Ideas, Dresses, Songs
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14 Tweets That Capture The Kind Of Love We All Aspire To Find
The bar has been set high.
Weddings – Ideas, Dresses, Songs
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These Tweets About Sean Spicer’s Resignation Will Make You LOL
“Congrats to Sean Spicer on his new job as a CNN commentator.”
Comedy
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25 Tweets You’ll Definitely Identify With If You’re Married
“The secret to a lasting marriage is knowing no one else would put up with your bullsh*t.”
Weddings
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‘SNL’ Writer Replies To Donald Trump’s Tweets As If They Were Personal Texts
And it’s hilarious.
Comedy
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Andy Serkis Reading Donald Trump’s Tweets As Gollum Is So Precious
You’ll never see the president’s tweets the same way again.
Comedy
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Artists turn hateful tweets into loving artwork
A group of artists are fighting online prejudice against the LGBT community by producing work inspired by troll tweets.
Entertainment News – Latest Celebrity & Showbiz News | Sky News
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This Man’s Tweets Cryptically Pay Homage To A Smash Mouth Classic
Richard Cook is not lookin’ kind of dumb, at all …
Comedy
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Bill Maher Trashes Donald Trump Over His Latest Disgusting Tweets
“That slapping sound you heard yesterday was the entire country going…”
Comedy
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Seth Meyers Loses It Over Donald Trump’s Disgusting Tweets
“Trump’s Twitter rants have gone “from confusing to ‘mommy, why is the man on the subway yelling so loud and where is his underpants?'”
Comedy
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The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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Tim Cook ‘Reveals’ Who Is Really Behind Donald Trump’s Late Night Tweets
Tim Cook used part of his address to graduating students at Massachusetts Institute of Technology on Friday to poke fun at President Donald Trump.
The Apple CEO began by saying he’d never figured out how students at the university in Cambridge pulled off their spectacular course-end pranks ― such as the placing of a propeller atop the campus’ Great Dome.
“Or how you’ve obviously taken over the president’s Twitter account,” Cook added. “I can tell college students are behind it because most of the tweets happen at 3 a.m.”
Cook went on to deliver some serious advice to the class of 2017, and the effect that the online world may have on their lives.
“The internet has enabled so much and empowered so many. But it can also be a place where the basic rules of decency are suspended and pettiness and negativity thrive,” Cook said.
He encouraged students not to let “the noise knock you off course” or to “get caught up on the trivial aspects of life.”
“Don’t listen to the trolls, and for God’s sake don’t become one,” Cook added. “Measure your impact on humanity not in likes, but in the lives you touch. Not in popularity, but in the people you serve.”
Watch Cook’s full speech in the clip below:
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Arts – The Huffington Post
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The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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Coldplay Send Oasis’ Noel Gallagher Nice Tweets After Liam’s One Love Manchester Slam
Coldplay have subtly come to the defense of Noel Gallagher after his brother and fellow former Oasis bandmate Liam slammed him on Twitter for not appearing Sunday’s One Love Manchester benefit concert. At the show, Coldplay’s Chris Martin and guitarist Jonny Buckland covered Oasis’ classic “Don’t Look Back in Anger” — dedicating it to show… Read more »
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Alec Baldwin Tweets Advice To Under-Fire Kathy Griffin
Actor Alec Baldwin has used Twitter to offer some words of comfort to under-fire comedian Kathy Griffin.
Griffin faced a backlash this week after she posed with a bloody mask depicting President Donald Trump’s decapitated head. At an emotional press conference on Friday, she slammed members of the Trump family for subsequently bullying her on social media.
Soon after, Baldwin tweeted Griffin his support:
“Kathy… fuck them. Fuck them all,” wrote Baldwin, who has also faced Trump’s repeated wrath over his potrayal of him on “Saturday Night Live.”
“No 1 believes u meant 2 threaten Trump,” he added. “Trump is such a senile idiot, all he has is Twitter fights.”
Baldwin also recalled a similar backlash he faced in 1998, when he sparked outrage for joking about killing the now late Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Il) on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.”
Read all of Baldwin’s tweets here:
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Comedy – The Huffington Post
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The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets Of The Week newsletter here.
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Arts – The Huffington Post
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Stephen Colbert Confronts Trump About His Tweets In Twitter-vention
Donald Trump, we need to talk.
Your tweets are out of control, man. I know you think that’s all fake news.
Oh, look. There you go again.
Thankfully, Stephen Colbert is here to help.
After White House aides supposedly held a Twitter intervention for Trump recently, Colbert did one of his own on Tuesday night.
“Dear President Trump, your tweeting has affected me in the following ways: My ratings are up,” said Colbert, reading from his intervention letter. “But, President Trump, some nights half my monologue is just about things you’ve tweeted. You’re squeezing out other fun news stories. Did you know that San Francisco is opening a rat cafe? They are. That’s real. You took that away from me.”
Colbert continued, “We want you to accept help, or the very least, autocorrect.”
The “Late Show” host suggests Trump needs to give up his harmful addiction to Twitter and come up with another coping mechanism.
“Have you tried drinking? Because that’s what I’ve been doing, and it’s going pretty great,” said Colbert.
Mr. President, when it comes to tweeting …
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Comedy – The Huffington Post
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The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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President Trump Defends James Comey Firing, Blasts Opposition in Early Morning Tweets
President Donald Trump lashed out in a series of nine tweets Wednesday morning — two of which were retweets of Drudge Report articles — to defend his sudden firing of FBI Director James Comey, and combat those who have been critical of his decision since it happened on Tuesday. Starting shortly after 7 a.m. ET,… Read more »
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Ana Gasteyer’s Parenting Tweets Are Hilarious
Ana Gasteyer knows the good, bad and ugly sides of raising kids today.
The “Saturday Night Live” alum has a 14-year-old daughter, Frances, and a 9-year-old son, Ulysses. She often vents her parenting frustrations and shares hilarious stories and musings on Twitter.
In honor of Gasteyer’s 50th birthday Thursday, we’ve rounded up her funniest, wisest and most spot-on parenting tweets.
— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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27 Tweets That Sum Up What It’s Like To Live With A Cat
If your cat had to put up a Craigslist roommate listing, it would say: “I’m an assh*le, but I’ll grow on you. (No dogs, please.)”
Below, 27 times your cat was the biggest jerk in your home, but also the most loveable.
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Comedy – The Huffington Post
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The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets Of The Week newsletter here.
— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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Val Kilmer slammed for ‘creepy’ Blanchett tweets
Val Kilmer has been accused by fans of “creepy and obsessive” behaviour towards actress Cate Blanchett.
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13 Tweets That Perfectly Describe Struggle Of Sleeping With A Snorer
In a perfect world, you and your significant other would fall straight asleep cuddled in each other’s arms every night. But most of us don’t live in perfect worlds. We live in the world of hot sleepers, blanket hogs and… snorers.
Snoring can be a sign of obstructive sleep apnea ― meaning if the snoring is regular, loud and sometimes causes gasping noises, your partner should get checked by his or her doctor. Other, less serious causes include drinking too much before bed, allergies, colds and sleeping on your back.
Regardless of the cause, the struggles of sleeping with a snorer are all too real. Just check out the tweets below.
Sarah DiGiulio is The Huffington Post’s sleep reporter. You can contact her at sarah.digiulio@huffingtonpost.com.
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Dad Jokes Reach A New Level With Your #MarchDadness Tweets
What’s the best dad joke of the year? How am I samosa know?
Actually, while going through your funniest dad jokes on “The Tonight Show” Thursday, Jimmy Fallon decided there should be a bracket to choose which #MarchDadness joke is No. 1.
You can vote on “The Tonight Show” Facebook page. If your favorite doesn’t win, don’t worry. Fallon said the bit could be an annual occurrence.
Without further ado, dishes what you’re voting for:
”The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” airs weeknights at 11:35 p.m. ET on NBC.
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Comedy – The Huffington Post
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20 Tweets That Sum Up St. Patrick’s Day For Parents
St. Patrick’s Day brings to mind green beers, late night debauchery and “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” buttons.
But like Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day tends to become a different experience after you have kids. Between the Pinterest fails, battle to persuade a tiny person to wear green, and Lucky Charms messes, the holiday isn’t quite as carefree as it once was.
But it’s certainly filled with opportunities for humor. We rounded up some hilarious tweets from parents about the St. Patrick’s Day experience with kids. Grab a Guinness and read on:
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33 Tweets That Sum Up Life With 2-Year-Olds
Two-year-olds are a pretty formidable bunch.
Between the tantrums, messes and general toddler shenanigans, there’s a reason people call this phase “the terrible twos.” Fortunately, parents can commiserate with humor.
We’ve rounded up 33 funny tweets about parenting 2-year-olds. Keep scrolling for some hilarious anecdotes and spot-on reflections.
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21 Tweets That Are Pretty Much Married Life In A Nutshell
A good marriage provides love, support, and companionship ― oh, and plenty of comic relief, too.
Below are 21 hilariously relatable tweets that capture the realities of married life in 140 characters or less.
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Trump’s Tweets Have Companies Playing Defense
Companies across the country are drafting plans for “war rooms” to address a surprise presidential tweet. Others have begun aggressively promoting previously announced job creation numbers in an effort to head off any criticism.
WSJ.com: US Business
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This new app will let you invest automatically every time the president mentions a publicly traded company.
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Kanye West deletes Trump meeting tweets
Kanye West appears to have deleted tweets about a meeting with Donald Trump last year, with reports suggesting he is unhappy with the US President’s actions since taking office.
Entertainment News – Latest Celebrity & Showbiz News | Sky News
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Trump Parody Account Tweets Like A Power-Crazed Medieval King
“Donaeld the Unready” is the unenlightened monarch of your nightmares.
A parody Twitter account imagines President Donald Trump as “the best early medieval King out there.” He repeatedly vows to “Make Mercia Great Again” while throwing shade on King Canute, the Danes and “bad monk Bede.”
It’s unclear who’s behind the account, which began tweeting on Saturday and garnered more than 21,000 followers in its first 72 hours.
Check out some of the funniest posts below, and read the rest of the tweets here.
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Comedy – The Huffington Post
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Jimmy Fallon Trolls Donald Trump With #WorstLieIEverTold Tweets
An “alternative fact” would be that people were super jazzed about the time Jimmy Fallon interviewed Donald Trump and just messed with his hair.
We wouldn’t call it super jazzed.
Though many panned Fallon for giving Trump a “softball” interview at that time, he went pretty hard at the new administration on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”
Since President Trump and advisor Kellyanne Conway are so into alternative facts, Fallon basically dedicated the beginning of the show to the topic. First, he aired a segment called “Two Truths and an Alternative Fact,” instead of “Two Truths and a Lie,” and he made this week’s hashtag #WorstLieIEverTold.
Here are some of the highlights:
“The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” airs weeknights at 11:35 p.m. ET on NBC.
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Wade tweets apology to fans after Bulls’ loss
Wade tweets apology to fans after Bulls’ loss
www.espn.com – NBA
Sony tweets ‘Britney is dead’ after Twitter hack
Sony Music has apologised to Britney Spears and fans after its Twitter account was hacked and a fake tweet said the pop icon was dead.
Entertainment News – Latest Celebrity & Showbiz News | Sky News
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The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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14 Tweets That Sum Up What It’s Like To Be Single At A Wedding
It takes a brave, brave soul to go to a wedding as a single person, especially if you weren’t given a plus-one. Who will you talk to? How will you handle the inevitable questions about your own relationship status? (Really, there’s only so many times you can politely smile and shrug when someone asks, “So when is it your turn?”)
Below, 14 tweets that are super relatable if you’ve ever been to a wedding solo.
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J.K. Rowling’s Election Night Tweets Remind Us To Keep Fighting
J.K. Rowling ― along with other established writers who are vocal on social media ― seemed to have trouble processing the results of Tuesday’s presidential election.
The author took to Twitter, making jokes about America’s nominated president elect, Donald Trump. “He has the deepest thoughts,” she wrote. “So deep you’ll need a big shovel to get at ‘em. Bigly deep.”
But, perhaps detecting that her readers needed not humor but hope ― or at least license to grieve ― she added a few sincere tweets to her election night commentary. “The easy thing is to be silenced because you don’t want the insults,” she tweeted. “The easy thing is to look the other way when it’s happening to others.”
These aren’t platitudes, but calls to action in response to the election of Donald Trump. Rowling embedded and responded to tweets from her harassers, demonstrating her belief in the power of speech. “We challenge bigots,” she tweeted. “We don’t let hate speech become normalised.”
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These #WorstCollegeParty Tweets Are Guaranteed To Give You Flashbacks
College parties are the best. The beer is terrible, the cops show up, you wake up feeling like you got kicked by a horse … uh, wait, what were we talking about?
Jimmy Fallon‘s favorite #WorstCollegeParty tweets are guaranteed to give you flashbacks to your college days. Let’s just hope they’re better than these:
Party on, people.
Also on HuffPost:
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Entertainment – The Huffington Post
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These #WorstCollegeParty Tweets Are Guaranteed To Give You Flashbacks
College parties are the best. The beer is terrible, the cops show up, you wake up feeling like you got kicked by a horse … uh, wait, what were we talking about?
Jimmy Fallon‘s favorite #WorstCollegeParty tweets are guaranteed to give you flashbacks to your college days. Let’s just hope they’re better than these:
Party on, people.
Also on HuffPost:
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The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant — but succinct — wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Also on HuffPost:
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Comedy – The Huffington Post
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PSA: Unfortunately, Many Tweets And Instagrams Still Go Unstolen
There are many Twitter users and Instagrammers out there who have had their material stolen by “joke aggregators,” but you need to know that there are still millions of jokes out there looking for a home, uncredited on the account of someone with millions of followers.
This PSA will further explain the sad story of these poor, unfollowed souls.
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Comedy – The Huffington Post
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The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant — but succinct — wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Also on HuffPost:
— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Also on HuffPost:
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Comedy – The Huffington Post
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Bill Nye Reading Mean Tweets Is His Greatest Experiment Yet
Bill Nye taught us a lot about chemical reactions over the years, but none of that comes close to the Science Guy’s reactions to mean tweets.
Nye recently read some unflattering tweets in support of a Kickstarter campaign for a documentary about him, which, to be honest, we kind of hope just turns out to be two more hours of tweets.
Mean tweets are a staple on “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” but what happens when Nye’s science and reason meet the incoherent ramblings of the Internet? You get gold, people. Pure gold.
Also on HuffPost:
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Vikings' Peterson tweets 'Armor of God' tattoo
Vikings' Peterson tweets 'Armor of God' tattoo
ESPN.com – TOP
Watt to HS athletes: Check your tweets 95 times
Watt to HS athletes: Check your tweets 95 times
ESPN.com – TOP
The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant — but succinct — wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Also on The Huffington Post:
— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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Iggy Azalea Stirs Up Controversy Over Tweets About Her Britney Spears Collab, ‘Pretty Girls’
Iggy Azalea doesn’t seem too happy with Britney Spears over the success, or lack thereof, of their track, “Pretty Girls.”
During a Twitter Q&A session on Sunday, Azalea appeared to throw shade at Spears over the minimal promotion of their duet, which dropped in May and peaked at No. 29 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.
The rapper’s remarks about the duet came after a Twitter user posted: “Even if PG flopped a little bit still getting a lot of views on YT and it’s the summer anthem of 2015, so whatever we love you.”
When a pop music fan board shared Azalea’s tweets and accused her of shading Spears, the Australia native shot back.
She then called out the press for skewing her comments.
Last month, at the Billboard Music Awards Azalea gushed about getting to work with the pop star.
“It’s not something that I ever anticipated happening … And I didn’t know I’d end up making such a crossover mesh of pop and rap where that would be a collaboration that would be possible,” she said. “In the last two years I kind of transitioned my style so much to where that could be plausible. So I didn’t when I was younger, but it’s really quite surreal.”
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Entertainment – The Huffington Post
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Cup finals Game 2: Best tweets
Cup finals Game 2: Best tweets
ESPN.com – NHL
The 19 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant — but succinct — wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
time flies when you’re alone with pickles and Netflix
— Tess Koman (@tessie_the_mess) May 31, 2015
Just saw a guy struggling to unicycle down the sidewalk and wanted to whisper to him, "No one’s making you do this."
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) May 31, 2015
being an adult is exactly like a birthday party, except when the piñata breaks open it’s full of bills & death
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) May 31, 2015
I’ve live-phoned, live-blogged & live g-chatted Sense & Sensibility ’95 w/ girlfriends for 2 decades. Will we persist in this until we die?
— Sarah Marian Seltzer (@sarahmseltzer) June 1, 2015
nothing tastes as good as muting an email thread feels
— Lara Parker (@laraeparker) June 1, 2015
When you’re shopping around for a new therapist and are just like
PLEASE ACCEPT ME AND ALL MY ISSUES
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) June 2, 2015
I think about the difference between Chet Haze and Colin Hanks on a DAILY BASIS
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) June 2, 2015
"So..uh, are you excited about Governor’s Ball?" – how to talk to any Millennial in an elevator
— Michelle Markowitz (@michmarkowitz) June 2, 2015
Me Vs. The World: My Journey Wearing An All-White Outfit To Work
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) June 2, 2015
Rainy days make me want to stay in bed
As do sunny days…
I never actually want to leave my bed….
— Rescue Ninja (@equinelover137) June 2, 2015
Sometimes I wonder if high school acquaintances might be fascinated by my Facebook as I am with theirs and then I remember that I am boring.
— Elise Foley (@elisefoley) June 2, 2015
"She rides with me, the new Bobby & Whitney / Only time we don’t speak is during Sex and the City" do we really think Bey was a SATC fan tho
— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) June 3, 2015
Wish I had the same carefree lack of self-awareness exhibited by grown adults who publicly link to their Amazon wishlists.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) June 3, 2015
If you’ve never emotionally connected with an eggplant parm sandwich at 9:30 in the morning, I highly recommend it.
— outer kase (@worstkase) June 4, 2015
More ladies should leave internet comments on men’s accomplishments like "he sucks as an astronaut but i’d sit on his face"
— dr. dalia ☥ (@DALIAMALEK) May 30, 2015
if you are wearing a tshirt that says "whatever" wouldnt it be a stronger statement to wear a trash bag
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) June 3, 2015
Bruce Jenner going by Caitlyn instead of Kaitlyn is the biggest “screw you” to the Kardashians I can think of. I love it.
— Alexis Kleinman (@alexiskleinman) June 1, 2015
Buying a salad is all fun and games until you have to eat it.
— Joanna Borns (@robotics) June 5, 2015
my dog peed on the front door of his obedience school so it’s looking good
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) June 3, 2015
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Weddings – The Huffington Post
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The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant — but succinct — wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
I miss drinking soda more than I miss any of my exes.
— Gaby Dunn (@gabydunn) May 26, 2015
I find a dick pic about as erotic as a photograph of a sump pump.
— Sara Benincasa (@SaraJBenincasa) May 26, 2015
i started a google doc to make a list of animals that do have souls and animals that dont
— Tracy LaFway Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) May 26, 2015
I love hockey bc one second it’s elegant ice dancing and the next it’s dudes beating the shit out of each other
— Jessica Roy (@JessicaKRoy) May 27, 2015
There is a couple in KMart fervently arguing over which discount microwave to buy, just like Andy Warhol dreamed. NEW YORK IS SO ALIVE!!!!!!
— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) May 27, 2015
I wanna be cool enough to wear my headphones around my neck while not using them.
— erin mallory long (@erinmallorylong) May 27, 2015
Apple Watch reminded me it was time to stand. So, I stood up, got Cool Ranch Doritos from kitchen, and crawled back in bed.
Feel healthier!
— Imperator Brianna Wu (@Spacekatgal) May 27, 2015
Sorry I can’t make it to your wedding, but it’s just not an Instagrammable enough location.
— Gennefer Gross (@Gennefer) May 27, 2015
The correct spelling is w-e-n-s-d-a-y. Next question.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) May 29, 2015
My siblings and I all suffer from a condition called "we just can’t" referring to mostly every social interaction or any other interaction
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) May 29, 2015
Oh God. I just realized I’m stuck with me my whole life.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) May 26, 2015
Why are you smiling at me, are you lying
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) May 22, 2015
Boxing would be so great if it was your worst enemy against the world heavyweight boxing champion. I’m looking at you, Kevin from 2nd grade.
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) May 29, 2015
I wonder what my 2,570 emails are about.
— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) May 28, 2015
Calculating how many pockets full of playground wood chips I’ll need to carry home in order to mulch all my flower beds.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 29, 2015
My groans after the first sip of coffee are a little sexual in nature.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 29, 2015
Morning affirmation: Shia Labeouf was actually really good on Even Stevens.
— Zeba Blay (@zblay) May 28, 2015
Why sleep when you can Google things like "death rattle" and "am I dying?"
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) May 28, 2015
uhhhh where can i file an appeal? pic.twitter.com/WW7jb2SdAd
— Alexandria Symonds (@a_symonds) May 28, 2015
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Weddings – The Huffington Post
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Obama Tweets Back To Girl’s Awesome Letter About World Peace, Marriage Equality
A 5-year-old has some suggestions for how to solve a couple of global issues, and the leader of the free world has responded.
Last week, Yasmeen, self described as “5 almost 6 years old,” took to writing a handwritten letter to President Obama advocating for world peace and marriage equality.
@POTUS A letter from my 5 year old niece. Right out of the mouths of babes! pic.twitter.com/Q8Sovz8eEL
— Dr Z (@DrFahmida) May 22, 2015
“Please stop war for our world, instead have a meeting. Please give a speech to tell everyone they can marry who they want. Thank you,” her message read.
On Friday, Yasmeen’s aunt tweeted a photo of the note to the POTUS Twitter handle, and that same day, the President replied.
“Tell your niece I really like her letter. Couldn’t agree more!” his tweet read.
.@DrFahmida tell your niece I really like her letter. Couldn’t agree more!
— President Obama (@POTUS) May 22, 2015
After launching his first Twitter account six years into his presidency, President Obama broke the Guinness world record on May 18 for the “fasted time to reach 1 million followers on Twitter.” As of Tuesday, he has racked up 2.44 million followers. However, he has just seven published tweets — among them, his encouraging reply to Yasmeen.
This just goes to show, “please” and “thank you” still go a very long way.
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Juicy J Rushed To Hospital Before Show, Tweets Apology To Fans
Rapper Juicy J was rushed to the hospital Saturday night before his scheduled show at The Fillmore in San Francisco.
The “Low” rapper tweeted an apology to his fans later that night, explaining he went to the hospital for shortness of breath.
I wanna apologize to my fans in San Fran I had to rush to the hospital I’m having shortness of breath I love you all pray for me
— juicy j (@therealjuicyj) May 24, 2015
A few hours later, Juicy J shared a photo of himself in Saint Francis Memorial Hospital on Instagram. He wrote that he hadn’t been getting enough rest, but that it wouldn’t put an end to his The Hustle Continues Tour.
Hot New Hip Hop reports Juicy J is now doing well. The Huffington Post has reached out to his reps for comment and will update this post if one is received.
The Memphis rapper, who previously had surgery on an injured ankle, announced some big news the day before his visit to the hospital. During his show at the Hollywood Palladium in Los Angeles Friday, Juicy J revealed that a Three 6 Mafia reunion is on the way.
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Entertainment – The Huffington Post
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Virginia Tech Coach Buzz Williams Is A Good Sport About Reading Mean Tweets
Buzz Williams may have lost 22 games in his first season as the basketball coach at Virginia Tech, but he certainly didn’t lose his sense of humor.
In a video he posted Monday, Williams takes a page from “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” and reads “mean tweets” about himself.
Some are mean, all right: “He’s got the fattest neck I’ve ever seen.”
“All my stress goes to my neck,” he jokingly replies.
Anyway, props to Williams for being a good sport.
H/T Washington Post
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The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant — but succinct — wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
feel like no matter how i die my last words will be "i’m still hungry"
— Jessica Roy (@JessicaKRoy) May 11, 2015
Here are some good joke topics for men to explore:
– woman mean
– woman fat
– friend is bad (maybe he has drinking problem?)
– own dick
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) May 12, 2015
Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s the three cups of coffee before noon.
— Madeline Haller (@madeline_haller) May 12, 2015
I worry a lot about the Singularity but Facebook just asked me to tag my own breasts as friends so I think we’re good for a few more years
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) May 13, 2015
It’s very telling of my personality that "Trap Queen" just makes me want to bake pies.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) May 15, 2015
My daily objective is less about goal achievement and more about regret management. #AimLow
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) May 14, 2015
But if we put a woman on the $ 20 bill it’ll only be worth a little over $ 15.00
— Twitnter Is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 12, 2015
I’d say you’re the reason I drink but that would be giving you way too much credit.
— Black Cat Bettie (@BlackCatBettie) May 14, 2015
i’ve never felt as altruistic as i do when i’m giving someone their 11th like on instagram
— Alexis Kleinman (@alexiskleinman) May 13, 2015
chart where x-axis is proximity of deadline and y-axis is tweets per hour about ’90s female singer-songwriters
— Lily Karlin (@lilykarlin) May 15, 2015
Tinder keeps telling me to log in soon. Mate. Just send a compatible (loves books, rice and the films of Jeff Goldblum) dude to my house.
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) May 15, 2015
i eat the booty like groceries and
by that i mean i never have time to go out and get any
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) May 13, 2015
Women are people but so are footballs.
— Ali Vingiano (@alivingiano) May 11, 2015
I wish I had known in my 20’s that older guys didn’t date me because I was fascinating, but because women their own age couldn’t stand them.
— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) May 11, 2015
i feel like i’m the mcdonald’s fruit & yogurt parfait of humans in that i’m very elegant but misguided
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) May 11, 2015
"Let’s just share a dessert", said the worst person on the planet.
— moody monday (@mdob11) May 12, 2015
I don’t want free apps Starbucks, I want someone to hold me and tell me I’m doing a great job.
— Amber. (@McNorfin) May 13, 2015
Lady in the streets
Freak at the cat shelter
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) May 14, 2015
Next time you feel compelled to tell a female what she should or shouldn’t be wearing take a moment to swan dive into your nearest landfill.
— Manda Likewine (@Manda_like_wine) May 14, 2015
I’d rather spend 10 minutes rearranging the dishwasher to accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.
— :: shauna :: (@goldengateblond) May 14, 2015
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Style – The Huffington Post
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The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant — but succinct — wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
you can pry ‘totes mcgotes’ out of my cold, dead hands
— Chelsea Fagan (@Chelsea_Fagan) May 4, 2015
I like my coffee how I like my men. Incapable of disrespecting me.
— Twitnter Is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 4, 2015
Please be nice to me
*is nice to me*
What did I do, are you mad at me?
— claudia martin (@cloudypianos) May 5, 2015
Nothing would make me happier than a supercut of people having their phones stolen off the ends of selfie sticks
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) May 5, 2015
Move bitch get out the way – me singing to pigeons
— Amber (@missambear) May 6, 2015
Last night I dreamt that Angelina Jolie lost a beauty pageant to a literal baby and was none too pleased about it.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) May 8, 2015
there is no twentysomething experience more humbling than going to the supermarket just to buy milk and tampons
— Tess Koman (@tessie_the_mess) May 6, 2015
Real talk a female president won’t launch nukes when she’s on her period at most she’ll waste an hour reading her ex’s new girlfriend’s blog
— Gaby Dunn (@gabydunn) May 6, 2015
Causing a scene runs in my family.
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) May 8, 2015
we as humans have found countless ways to contort and defile language but by far the worst string of words ever is "nice to e-meet you"
— Alanna Okun (@Alannabean) May 7, 2015
"I’m leaning into it and I’m creaming them." –40-something white man in suit riding Citi Bike in West Village to identical friend
— Juli Weiner (@juliweiner) April 28, 2015
goddess grant me the serenity courage and wisdom not to buy the things I put in my online shopping cart after midnight
— dodai (@dodaistewart) May 8, 2015
People who refuse to believe women are harassed online sure do love to make their point by harassing women online.
— Kate Spencer (@katespencer) May 5, 2015
im tired of being amazed by beyonce. im not saying im not amazed i just literally dont have the energy anymore. can she stop? i need rest
— Tracy Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) May 5, 2015
I know maybe I’ll just buy one of those huge body pillows and name it James and call it a day
— Annie Stamell (@stamos) May 4, 2015
person: do you want to hang out
me in a wedding dress: yes
— the cabbage (@ramenfuneral) May 7, 2015
Panic! at the Costco
— yung cherub (@k0k0kardashian) May 4, 2015
You’re Gross: A Beauty Guide For Women
— moody monday (@mdob11) May 4, 2015
People with unusually strong emotions about pretend movies are the real heroes.
— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) May 5, 2015
Hey tough dudes wearing shorts that come down past your calves. They’re called capris. You are wearing capris
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) May 8, 2015
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Comedy – The Huffington Post
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John Boehner, Nancy Pelosi, Kevin McCarthy & Bernie Sanders Read ‘Mean Tweets’
What does Speaker of the House John Boehner have to promise his constituents to keep getting reelected? What new job should House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi try? Who does Sen. Bernie Sanders most resemble? And what does Rep. Kevin McCarthy really need to do?
In the spirit of late night host Jimmy Kimmel’s recurring “Mean Tweets” segment, some of the nation’s top lawmakers read mean tweets about themselves for the 2015 Radio & Television Correspondents Association Dinner, held Wednesday night — and the results are priceless.
Check it out in the clip above.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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President Obama Reading Mean Tweets Is Your American Dream Come True
Hail to the tweets.
President Barack Obama kicked off his appearance on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” Thursday by reading his very own mean tweets.
Kimmel’s announcement this week that the president would be stopping by the show was obviously huge news for the late night host, but the commander-in-chief’s decision to participate in this popular sketch took things to a whole new level. During the segment, Obama was confronted with all kinds of crazy criticisms, and the stakes seemed even higher than the waistband on his jeans.
It’s fitting that Obama now joins Katy Perry as a “Mean Tweets” alum because this appearance was straight up fireworks.
“Jimmy Kimmel Live” airs weeknights at 11:35 p.m. ET on ABC.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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Best Tweets: What Women Said On Twitter This Week
The ladies of Twitter talked a lot about orgasms this week. Twitter user Boobston Girl posed an interesting question: “But can I get a Best Actress award for faking orgasms?” (Honestly, we’re not sure, but you definitely should be able to.)
Twitter user Slightly Funny Jew added to the conversation, tweeting, “Dear Women, ‘If you fake it, you will make it’ doesn’t apply to orgasms.” True, but can we still get an award for it?
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
The Girl With the "I Stopped Reading Thinkpieces" Tattoo
— Michelle Dean (@michelledean) February 23, 2015
Sometimes I say stupid shit like, "I do."
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) February 22, 2015
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) February 22, 2015
But can I get a Best Actress award for faking orgasms?
— Boobston Girl (@bgirl314) February 23, 2015
Dear Women,
"If you fake it, you will make it" doesn’t apply to orgasms.
— Slightly funny Jew (@Dani_Feld) February 24, 2015
I don’t need to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes to judge them, I can do that comfortably from the couch at home.
— Felix Felicis (@LuckoftheDraw86) February 24, 2015
"I’m raging against the machine," I giggle to myself, nervously placing 13 items on the 12 Items Or Less counter. "Being bad feels so good."
— Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) February 27, 2015
Sleeping Beauty is so unrealistic, no woman wants to be woken up from a nap
— PaperWash© (@PaperWash) February 25, 2015
Guy in 50 Shades: I’m a psycho are u in or are u out
Most Guys: I’m gonna waste your time til u discover I’m bad
GIMME THAT 50 SHADES GUY
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) February 24, 2015
If you say "alright" in the mirror 3 times Matthew McConaughey will appear and hand you a joint.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 24, 2015
sure the Victoria’s Secret models are pretty, but I bet not one of them ever finds a Cheeto in her bra
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) February 28, 2015
People will stop going to hell when they get rid of hand baskets. Next question.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 27, 2015
Most adult friendships are just figuring out whose turn it is to cancel plans.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) February 23, 2015
I walked under a ladder today because it felt like a reckless thing to do without any real risk.
— Allison Raskin (@Allison620) February 25, 2015
It’s going down. I’m Yellen, Janet.
— Caro (@socarolinesays) February 24, 2015
My problem isn’t that I’m eating too much at night, it’s that I’m not jogging in the shower
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 24, 2015
*goes outside*
*sees a couple wearing matching outfits*
*turns around and goes back inside*
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) February 24, 2015
Ah, Winter, when you can split your lip just by smiling
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) February 25, 2015
I’d Rather Be Watching Netflix" — a T-shirt I’m making, coming to an etsy store near you
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) February 24, 2015
My husband and I are very aligned on our thoughts about raising kids, mostly "Holy hell, why did we decide to do this?"
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) February 26, 2015
You know you’re old when you start carrying around emergency tweezers, not for splinters, but for chin hairs.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) February 25, 2015
When someone says you’re an emotional black hole, they’re basically comparing you to a star, right?
— Alley Cat (@deardilettante) February 26, 2015
[NASA interview]
So why would you like to be an astronaut?
[imagines eating all the food and stepping on scale on moon]
"Space and stuff"
— Terry F (@daemonic3) February 25, 2015
Me: Things will get better
Life: No
— moody monday (@mdob11) February 26, 2015
so i missed the Oscars but i did hit Whole Foods and see several rows of award-winning organic mayonnaise so i think i got the gist
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) February 23, 2015
Every time I get my period I’m relieved – I don’t really hate all the people!
— Allison Hart (@motherhoodwtf) February 23, 2015
Weddings – The Huffington Post
FASHION NEWS-Visit Shoe Deals Online-Fashion News today for the hottest deals online!
Best Tweets: What Women Said On Twitter This Week
The week started off with a general panic when the Northeast learned it could be getting up to three feet of snow. Some were not too happy with Storm Juno and decided to vent their frustrations on Twitter: “Maybe if Winter Storm Juno had used protection with Winter Storm Michael Cera we wouldn’t be in this mess,” OhNoSheTwitnt tweeted.
Fortunately, the blizzard was rather underwhelming for those in NYC, leaving a whopping eight inches of snow on the ground. Akilah Hughes put it perfectly when she tweeted, “This is not the first time a man didn’t know what 8 inches actually looks like. #Snowmageddon2015.” Truth.
In other news this week, the cast for the all-female “Ghostbusters” remake was revealed and it did not disappoint. Twitter user Bab$ Gray highlighted an important concern, tweeting, “FACT: Female #ghostbusters are paid 78% of what male ghostbusters make for the SAME GHOSTBUSTING.” Inconceivable!
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
I’m gonna need everyone to stop milk chocolate shaming
— Chelsea Fagan (@Chelsea_Fagan) January 25, 2015
If she were really miss universe, she’d gradually grow more chaotic until she was, by the end of her term, a weak void.
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) January 26, 2015
my brother just texted me to say that Ross on Friends kinda reminds him of Drake (in case u want to know what Canada’s like)
— SarahNicolePrickett (@snpsnpsnp) January 27, 2015
They named the blizzard Juno because it will probably cause a bunch of teen pregnancies
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) January 27, 2015
Hey kids, remember to use protection during Juno or else you’ll end up like that short cute lesbian girl in the movie Juno.
— NYC BLONDE (@NYC_Blonde) January 27, 2015
Maybe if Winter Storm Juno had used protection with Winter Storm Michael Cera we wouldn’t be in this mess.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 26, 2015
FACT: Female #ghostbusters are paid 78% of what male ghostbusters make for the SAME GHOSTBUSTING
— Bab$ Gray (@BabsGray) January 27, 2015
Just remember: If you didn’t insta the #snowpocalypse it didn’t happen
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) January 26, 2015
Within 12 hours we’ll be smearing peanut butter directly on the Hershey bars, and within 36 hours we’ll be eating each other. #snowpocalypse
— Elizabeth Bear (@matociquala) January 25, 2015
To the lady who maybe didn’t check the weather and wore platform heels to slide down 6th avenue: I am so sorry.
— Nina Bahadur (@nbahadur) January 26, 2015
About to go pre-blizzard grocery shopping. Do I need anything other than wine?
— Emma Gray (@emmaladyrose) January 26, 2015
Some folks say feminists are boring and ugly which is weird because I’m fascinating and hoooooooooooooooootttttttttttttt as fuuuuuuuuuccccck
— Sara Benincasa (@SaraJBenincasa) January 27, 2015
So basically we all panicked, bought too much eggs and bread, and gave ourselves a day off. I can live with this.
— Emily Peck (@EmilyRPeck) January 27, 2015
I’m dressed to like the 4 and a halves right now.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 28, 2015
I would see the shit out of an all-male Steel Magnolias.
— Lindsay Robertson (@lindsayism) January 28, 2015
"WOMEN are DESTROYING my CHILDHOOD" – someone whose parents already took care of that
— Merman Melville (@JoyceCarolTotes) January 28, 2015
Sometimes, all people need to know is that someone will always be by their side.
Preferably someone they’ve met, cuz otherwise it’s weird.
— Bianca LaVagina (@AnitaHelmet) January 28, 2015
if we collectively crawl back into bed as a nation, no one will get into trouble
— Kasia Galazka (@supergalaxy) January 27, 2015
GIVE ME KALE OR GIVE ME DEATH #Snowmageddon2015 pic.twitter.com/vfzrSVcSAi
— shauna (@goldengateblond) January 26, 2015
Every day that I don’t change my Twitter name to Super Nintendo Chalmers is a active refusal to live up to my ultimate potential
— Laura Hudson (@laura_hudson) January 30, 2015
This is not the first time a man didn’t know what 8 inches actually looks like. #Snowmageddon2015
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) January 27, 2015
Women make better Ghostbusters than men because we are used to caring about invisible problems no one else believes in.
— Stacey Nightmare (@STACEYNIGHTMARE) January 28, 2015
My favorite kind of mansplaining was when a guy was like "You’re masturbating and that’s great but lemme show you how girls do it in porn."
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) January 26, 2015
my snapchat username is fucknoidontwanttoseeyourdick
— Jessica Roy (@JessicaKRoy) January 30, 2015
Can’t wait to see what flavor of shade Taylor Swift tries to throw at Katy Perry during the Super Bo- (sound of gunshot)
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) January 30, 2015
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say "well, she was always kind of like this."
— slaughthie (@slaughthie) January 30, 2015
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the girl who walked 1000 miles and brags about it constantly and has great legs
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) January 26, 2015
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!
Best Tweets: What Women Said On Twitter This Week
There wasn’t much to laugh about this week after the House of Representatives passed an anti-abortion bill on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade on Thursday. But Jessica Misener lightened the mood a bit with a genius thought and potential coping strategy: “Free idea: capri suns filled with wine.” Take note, Trader Joe’s.
Sarah Miller threw one out for all the proud childfree ladies when she tweeted, “That lady who thinks life without kids is meaningless has clearly never watched downton abbey alone in the bathtub.” Preach.
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Kim Kardashian’s personal brand:
1) family first
2) sex is great
3) look fly 100% of the time
She is a perfect person + you all are NOTHING
— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) January 20, 2015
That lady who thinks life without kids is meaningless has clearly never watched downton abbey alone in the bathtub
— sarah miller (@sarahlovescali) January 20, 2015
So lazy I just Googled “should you sleep in bra” to see if it might be good for you. Looks like no effect either way so I’ll take it off now
— Caity Weaver (@caityweaver) January 20, 2015
free idea: capri suns filled with wine
— Jessica Misener (@jessmisener) January 20, 2015
1. Having drinks with a friend who insists ‘hasn’t killed people’ and ‘doesn’t call feminists cunts’ is too low a bar for who I will date.
— Elissa Shevinsky (@ElissaBeth) January 20, 2015
amazing discussion of “basic” vs Jane Austen’s “common” going on amongst English PhDs in my FB feed BE JEALOUS
— Anne Helen Petersen (@annehelen) January 20, 2015
i only go on ebay after i smoke pot that way i’m always the highest bidder thank you check please
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) January 22, 2015
you: *goes ham in the club*
me: *eats prosciutto at home*
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) January 22, 2015
sex can be pretty enjoyable, once the other person stops laughing
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 23, 2015
"Ask your doctor about how the Keystone Pipeline can help you."
— Anna Holmes (@AnnaHolmes) January 21, 2015
17 years later, still relevant to my feminism. pic.twitter.com/f472O7efl0
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) January 23, 2015
The only people I know who have a totally different concept of how big an inch is would be every hairdresser and also all guys
— Michelle Markowitz (@michmarkowitz) January 23, 2015
You can tell how old people are by the number of sounds they make as they sit down
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) January 18, 2015
k fine I guess "happy birthday, legal abortion!" isn’t ironic in a good way.
— Amanda Duberman (@AmandaDuberman) January 22, 2015
"I love being home. But I don’t like being left behind"– Beth in Little Women as she dies/me when I bail on dinner plans
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) January 21, 2015
Be a dear and pass me my shotgun, Sugar.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) January 23, 2015
*Tries to blow breathalyzer*
breathalyzer: I have a girlfriend
— Amanda Hugnkiss (@caliluvgirl77) January 23, 2015
Sometimes when I’m eating a tub of ice cream and crying about being alone forever, I put on lipgloss because it makes me feel fancy.
— Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) January 23, 2015
"If you love something set it free"
[Takes dog’s leash off] Go on fella, you’re free now
[Throws a rock] GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE I LOVE YOU
— Brennadine (@brennadine) January 21, 2015
Fun drinking game: Have a drink, then put all of your feelings on the internet.
— moody monday (@mdob11) January 21, 2015
New #SOTU game: @ErnestMoniz or Beethoven? You decide. pic.twitter.com/alXnarCzkY
— Jess Ruzic (@ruzatar) January 21, 2015
Weddings – The Huffington Post
FASHION NEWS-Visit Shoe Deals Online-Fashion News today for the hottest deals online!
Best Tweets: What Women Said On Twitter This Week
While the new year can be exciting for some, Alexis Wilkinson wasn’t too hot on 2015 yet: “I really don’t know how I feel about it so far so can I just binge watch 2015 in like a couple months.” That’s our plan.
With the new year brought new TV shows to Netflix — the most important being “Friends.” Natasha Rothwell made an interesting observation, tweeting, “If there were a drinking game for every erect nipple that appears on Friends you’d get drunk every episode. That set must’ve been freezing.” Truth.
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
The male ego is more sensitive than my g-spot.
— Cocolish (@BeCoco77) January 4, 2015
I’m a just a woman, standing in front of a man whispering, "Give me what I need".
Of course he’s ignoring me, but hey- never hurts to ask.
— Bianca LaVagina (@AnitaHelmet) January 5, 2015
If there were a drinking game for every erect nipple that appears on Friends you’d get drunk every episode. That set must’ve been freezing.
— Natasha Rothwell (@natasharothwell) January 5, 2015
Overheard: "he seems pretty DTBAF – down to build a family"
— Michelle Markowitz (@michmarkowitz) January 10, 2015
Relationship Stages:
-I even want to go grocery shopping w/you!
-Who’s turn to get groceries, me or you?
-I bought groceries. None for you.
— (maura) (@behindyourback) January 4, 2015
My truest self is when I’m on the couch trying to move leftovers from the fridge with my mind.
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) January 6, 2015
Drink whenever you tune out during a discussion of cell tower technology. #SerialDrinkingGame
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) January 6, 2015
"Women make secret tests for men."– men who aren’t used to being held to standards.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 7, 2015
Hundreds of muggles wearing "muggle but not mundane" t-shirts to magic pride parades, getting drunk and ruining everything
— Amy Dentata (@AmyDentata) January 8, 2015
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type "that one guy in that movie I didn’t like."
— The Alicianater (@leechee420) January 9, 2015
I bet a Pugasaurus would’ve been the cutest little dinosaur ever.
It wouldn’t even seem vicious while it adorably licked you to death.
— Pugasaurus (@LuvPug) January 9, 2015
Taken 4: Liam Neeson finds who drank the last beer and makes them pay.
— ShotofCherye (@CheryeDavis) January 9, 2015
If you’re sexting with someone, send them this pic then ignore them for the rest of the night. pic.twitter.com/z6MFlHPHxc
— Lauren Greenberg (@LaurenGreenberg) January 5, 2015
Attractive therapists should have to give advice from behind a safety screen.
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) January 9, 2015
i knew you were hubbell when you walked in pic.twitter.com/2v2UzfBa3D
— Alexandria Symonds (@a_symonds) January 8, 2015
If I ever got a tattoo it would say "I’m sorry Mom and Dad."
— Allison Raskin (@Allison620) January 8, 2015
I really don’t know how I feel about it so far so can I just binge watch 2015 in like a couple months
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) January 5, 2015
Pinterest should come with a free cat
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) January 5, 2015
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!
Best Tweets: What Women Said On Twitter This Week
With the list of women coming forward with rape allegations against Bill Cosby growing and Uber threatening to investigate the private lives of female journalists, we’d say this was a pretty heavy week for women on Twitter.
But levity found its way in to a few moments amid the chaos. Alexandra Svokos braced herself for winter’s big reveal, tweeting “We’re getting dangerously close to the point at which I reveal to my coworkers that I wear Uggs.” Jenni Konner also had some seasonal sartorial concerns: “Who will love me enough to tell me if I can pull off a hat?”
Harvard Lampoon editor Alexis Wilkinson captured our precise outlook on social interaction after this week: “A fun thing to do is say ‘new phone who’s this’ to people in person.” Yep, it’s happening.
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
I saw beyonce, blue ivy and Jay thru a fence today. s/o to NOPD for letting me live. #bliss
— collier meyerson (@collier) November 17, 2014
“I just feel bad.” -girls who don’t feel bad.
— Emma Barker (@emmajune) November 17, 2014
are fans of gwenyth’s blog called goopies come on gwenyth i can’t think of everything for you
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) November 18, 2014
i hate white people who come to me with all their race-related questions like go read a book i am not your literal Encyclopedia Brown
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) November 15, 2014
I get very upset when I think about how little respect the Take 5 candy bar gets. It makes the other candy bars seem like Circus Peanuts.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 20, 2014
This weather has forced me into pants which is just truly unforgivable #salty
— Nina Bahadur (@nbahadur) November 19, 2014
We’re getting dangerously close to the point at which I reveal to my coworkers that I wear Uggs
— Alexandra Svokos (@asvokos) November 18, 2014
The best part about sitting down to write is cleaning my entire apartment.
— Caira Conner (@CairaConner) November 18, 2014
Who will love me enough to tell me if I can pull off a hat?
— Jenni Konner (@campsucks) November 21, 2014
Gluteus maximus? More like gluteus maximumass, amirite, guys?
Guys? COME BACK. YOU’RE ALL I HAVE.
— Jes (@JesKeepSwimming) November 18, 2014
4 year old: "mom, how much do you weigh? Like 60 lbs?!"
Me: "yes. Would you like some candy?"
— Full Metal Mommy (@FullMetalMommy) November 18, 2014
I’m like the Michael Jordan of relationships but when he was playing baseball
— C (@bossy_bootz) November 18, 2014
I look forward to next year’s National Book Awards ceremony when all five finalists for the Fiction award will be Willow Smith.
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) November 18, 2014
Asked for all business related stuff for Christmas except a pair of boots and lavender oils is this what it feels like to be Arianna Huff
— KAMI BAKER (@Peeta_is_aBAKER) November 19, 2014
My hairdresser just told me I’m not the stripping type and I got offended?
— Lauren Morelli (@lomorelli) November 18, 2014
Autocorrect changed "wanna fool around" to "wanna cool around" which is actually better.
— Bears Maynard (@missmayn) November 20, 2014
We’re getting dangerously close to the point at which I reveal to my coworkers that I wear Uggs
— Alexandra Svokos (@asvokos) November 18, 2014
i’m sorry but how does Lorelai ever sleep like they drink at least 6 cups of coffee a day
— Paulina Pinsky (@mizpiggy111) November 19, 2014
It’s not easy being psychic, but I already knew that.
— Heather (@heatherjs) November 20, 2014
"Final words before the firing squad commences?"
Yes.
*lowers the blindfold over eyes*
I was just mmblockin out the haters.
"Ahahaha! FIRE!"
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) November 20, 2014
If Taco Bell commercials were realistic, it would just show me eating 9 Doritos tacos in my car by myself, crying the entire time.
— The Alicianater (@leechee420) November 20, 2014
Style – The Huffington Post
FASHION NEWS UPDATE-Visit Shoe Deals Online today for the hottest deals online for shoes!
Jimmy Kimmel’s Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #8 Is All The Laughs, Per Usual
Jimmy Kimmel’s always hilarious Celebrities Read Mean Tweets series returned with an eighth edition Thursday night. “Modern Family” star Ty Burrell and Britney Spears were teased as some of the A-list participants in this round and, well, they did not disappoint.
Watch above as the stars read those nasty 140-character comments about them. Keep on keeping on, Twitter!
Entertainment – The Huffington Post
Visit Gabby Love today for the hottest fashion entertainment online!
Best Tweets: What Women Said On Twitter This Week
The ladies of Twitter were on their A-game while dating this week. We need to take a page out of Gaby Dunn‘s book of pick up lines after she tweeted, “‘You’re telling me you made it this far in life without knowing your Hogwarts house?!’ – another successful conversation with a man.” Very smooth.
As the week wound down, the women of twitter were, understandably, a bit tired. Twitter user AnotherBottleofWhine was one of the many exhausted ladies excitedly awaiting for Friday, “I love you. // – a thing I just whispered to my bed.” TGITW (Thank God It’s The Weekend).
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
My four year old telling me “mama I chewed my ice into a potato” is like watching a dna test come back positive
— kelly jean (@kjmeow) October 14, 2014
I’m not athletic but if overthinking was an Olympic sport I’d have six gold medals, an endorsement with Subway and my face on a Wheaties box
— Carly Danger (@carlyken) October 14, 2014
Just said “you’re not the boss of me” to my mother. Regression complete.
— Roxane Gayrten (@rgay) October 15, 2014
“You’re telling me you made it this far in life without knowing your Hogwarts house?!” – another successful conversation with a man
— Gaby Dunn (@gabydunn) October 15, 2014
My diet would be going just fine if I didn’t have a mouth.
— Athena Mystique (@AthenaMystique) October 13, 2014
I love you.
– a thing I just whispered to my bed.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) October 13, 2014
every time I log on to Tumblr it’s like walking into a room and forgetting why I went there and then watching that room’s TV for 20 minutes.
— Crissy (@frizzyfilazzo) October 16, 2014
At the height of sexual passion, yell into his ear, “TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR”
— Anna Breslaw (@annabreslaw) October 16, 2014
Just found out my niece thinks the lyrics to “Loyal” are “These girls are lawyers!” She better think that forever.
— Lauren Williams (@laurenwilliams) October 6, 2014
We’re all just thinking about @miles_teller all the time, right? Not just me?
— Emma Straub (@emmastraub) October 14, 2014
A 15ish year old boy on the train just told his friends the music he liked “trap, big house and Alt J”. Literally what are those things.
— Sophie Gadd (@sophie_gadd) October 16, 2014
There’s really no better phrase to describe my existence than “Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.”
— Maura Brannigan (@maura_brannigan) October 16, 2014
Really excited by all the new ways that technology companies are inventing for me to have my identity stolen.
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) October 16, 2014
I wonder if birds ever get shit on by their friends and family too.
— Raspooky Jam (@Jenny4ashley) October 14, 2014
Just made myself a dinner of cereal and Cheetos so yes I’m interested in hiring a caretaker
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) October 12, 2014
I bet Beyoncé And Jay Z never have to look around their house for scissors.
— Jenni Konner (@campsucks) October 13, 2014
Did Beyonce change her wig yet so ya’ll can stop talking about #thosebangs? #wondering
— Zerlina Maxwell (@ZerlinaMaxwell) October 16, 2014
“You know, usually I’d be down to roll all over the floor but I had a gynecological procedure this morning.” –real thing I said today
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) October 14, 2014
mommy, when i grow up i want to be a person who gets paid to embed a tweetstorm into a blog post
— Jessica Roy (@JessicaKRoy) October 16, 2014
Everyone thinks Pinterest is all fun and DIY, but give the wrong people a glue gun and some fruit and that shit gets dark fast.
— Charlotte Palermino (@charlotteparler) October 16, 2014
Fuck that first guy ever who opened a pomegranate and was like “This seems like a good ratio of sustenance to labor exerted.”
— Lauren Morelli (@lomorelli) October 15, 2014
Style – The Huffington Post
FASHION NEWS UPDATE-Visit Shoe Deals Online today for the hottest deals online for shoes!
Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Imagine having kids…
Wrong, you don’t have time to imagine anymore.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 18, 2014
Toddlers are great at whispering if whispering means talking as quietly as they shout.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) September 23, 2014
Before I had kids, I didn’t even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 3, 2014
90% of being the parent of a toddler is spent in the bathroom while she sits on the toilet singing.
— Courtney Christine (@Discourt) October 3, 2014
For someone who tried to put his shirt on through the arm hole this morning, the 2yo sure bosses me around a lot.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) September 27, 2014
Wait, what’s the word for when you feel morally superior to everyone all the time? Oh right, I remember, it’s two… as in years old.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) October 3, 2014
Explaining the importance of Fantasy Football to a 3yo is about as effective as a 3yo explaining the importance of, well, anything.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) October 5, 2014
I should have just named my son DON’T TOUCH THAT.
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) October 4, 2014
People who claim that the most beautiful thing to watch is sleeping children have never watched anyone wash their dishes.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) October 3, 2014
My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It’s fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.
— Carly Danger (@carlyken) September 30, 2014
Why is there a harmonica in my house? More importantly, how can I distract six-year-old long enough to "accidentally" break it?
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) September 28, 2014
If you’ve ever given a kid a kazoo as a gift or party favor just know that that kid’s parents hate you.
— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) October 3, 2014
My daughter treats me like I applied for the position of mom and she’s concerned she’s not providing enough work to justify my wage.
— New Bitch® (@BookisherBunny) September 26, 2014
75% of parenting is just looking for things your children can’t find.
— Sam (@sammyj_04) September 28, 2014
Things my kids haven’t fought about today:
1)
2)
3)
— That’s Parenting (@ThatsParenting) September 27, 2014
Kids are like sponges. They smell bad.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) September 23, 2014
Just saw a cement mixer truck on the street and got excited.
THIS IS WHAT FATHERHOOD HAS DONE TO ME!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 3, 2014
Parenting is stressful because when kids are loud, they’re annoying and when they’re quiet, they might be about to lose a limb or eyeball.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) October 1, 2014
WANTED:
Babysitter. Preferably right this second.
— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) October 4, 2014
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2014
I’m never more productive than in the time between when I hear my kid wake up from his nap and when I actually take him out of the crib.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) October 4, 2014
Pro tip: If one of my kids says "close your eyes and open your mouth", you should never, ever do it.
— Mommyland Rants (@mommylandrants) October 5, 2014
Comparing pet ownership to parenting is like saying ownership of a cat is like lion taming.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) October 3, 2014
"Look, in just one Phil Collins song you can age 20 years." – me explaining Tarzan to my 3yo
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) October 3, 2014
Parents should always tell the truth to their children. Except when children ask how many Indiana Jones movies there are. Then you say: "3."
— Jen Myers (@antiheroine) October 3, 2014
Do you like toys? Then McDonald’s is the only choice!
– my 4yo trying to convince his brother where we should go for dinner
— Father with Twins (@FatherWithTwins) October 3, 2014
My 9 year old couldn’t even take school pictures once she learned there was no valencia filter
— FistFullOfMcMuffins (@Matt_The_1st) September 26, 2014
I’m officially the mother of a teenager today. Maybe don’t read my tweets for the next 5 years.
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) October 4, 2014
My kids and I just cured the handyman of ever wanting to get married and have children so I’m feeling very accomplished.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) October 2, 2014
Amount of damage will it cause times how long it keeps them occupied divided by amount of alcohol in the house.
– Parenting algorithm.
— Noir (@Go2Slp) October 2, 2014
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) October 2, 2014
Read last week’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week and browse all past collections here.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!
Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Hearing your kid say, "The sky’s awake…so I’m awake" at 4:45 AM is a clear indication that she needs to stop watching #Frozen
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) July 20, 2014
Being compelled to risk waking your kid to make sure he’s okay when he’s sleeping later than usual is one of the curses of being a parent.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 18, 2014
The day you throw away a pair of underwear in a public place is the day you’ve earned your stripes as a parent.
— Janel Mills (@649point133) July 18, 2014
If the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing repeatedly yet expecting different results," then all parents are insane.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) July 17, 2014
1 small step for the baby. 1 giant nightmare for the cat.
— Jen Simon (@NoSleepInBklyn) July 17, 2014
My kids are pretty smart for people who have to be reminded to look in front of them while they walk.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 18, 2014
That moment when your 4-year-old daughter brings you a cookie from the cupboard… And sneezes on it.
"Here Daddy. Sorry."
— The Godfodder (@Fodder4Fathers) July 14, 2014
When making meals for toddlers, I find it best to throw whatever you make directly in the trash and give them a piece of cheese
— MF FairyPrincessRach (@Smooheed) July 15, 2014
I’m beginning to think my kids are just using me for the snacks.
— Mrs BJ Hunnicutt (@karlainvt) July 15, 2014
Toddler meltdowns – cups of coffee I’ve consumed = glasses of wine I’ll be drinking later.
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) July 15, 2014
7yo: "I hate long sleeves. Long sleeves aren’t even my frenemy."
— Emily Willingham (@ejwillingham) July 19, 2014
My near 4 yo just exclaimed to me "leave me alone for a bit!"
Excuse me? Leave YOU alone?
I haven’t taken a piss alone in 4 years!
— Emma Jade (@GoneInTheMorn) June 11, 2014
Not now, kids. Daddy is busy scrolling.
— Draper (@CallMeDraper) July 20, 2014
I wish those older parents who say "Enjoy your children. Those years are precious!" would tell me what kind of drugs they were on.
— So Done Mom (@Momtoteens) July 17, 2014
6yo: "You are the BEST mommy … that I have." MOM: winning by default since 2007.
— Toulouse (@toulouseNtonic) July 16, 2014
The shock + horror from my kids upon hearing what a "birthday suit" actually is. Thanks for that one, Katy Perry.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) July 14, 2014
I have to remind myself that the way my daughter feels about Band-Aids is the way I feel about wine so I should just let her have them all.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) July 20, 2014
Whine.
Whine.
Scream.
Whine.
Scream.
Whine.
Wine.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) July 16, 2014
6 y/o: What does sexy mean?
Me: It means Mommy needs to turn off the #bachelorette
— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) July 15, 2014
Me: Should we go out or eat our food at home, girls? We’re having Chinese food.
Toddler: I don’t WANT to eat shiny food!
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) July 16, 2014
Too tired to put my kid to bed, and he won’t go on his own. GOOD LUCK PLAYING TAG ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP TOMORROW.
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) July 15, 2014
During story time, Harlow pointed to a picture of a yellow car. "Taxi!" she yelled. Then, "Mine!" One-year-old and already a NYC cliche.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) July 16, 2014
It’s going to suck when my kids learn to read and notice how many paragraphs I skip in their nighttime storybooks.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) July 20, 2014
Me: Go to bed. You’re stalling
4 y.o: What’s that?
M: It’s when you drag your feet so you don’t have to do something
4: Explain it again.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2014
What my kids don’t realize is, for every minute they stay up past bedtime I plan to take off their curfew when they’re in high school
— Darin McFunkyPants (@darinlovesbacon) July 19, 2014
My son just got out of bed to confirm Santa knows we have five children. That kid is a planner.
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) July 17, 2014
This is my natural state. #sahd pic.twitter.com/00eTMyncst
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) July 12, 2014
Read last week’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!
Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Today is the 1st day of summer so it’s "the longest day of the year." Honestly, if you’re a parent, that’s every day.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) June 21, 2014
3yo: Mom my breakfast is gone. Me: Okay you finished it? Good job. 3yo: Nope I hid it in my bed. Me: And the tone for the day has been set.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) June 17, 2014
I have three more days of lunches to pack and I’m running out of supplies. Surely one of them won’t mind this jar of pickled asparagus.
— FrugalistaBlog (@frugieblog) June 17, 2014
I love you, Daddy.
-I love you too, sweetie.
Can I have some more candy?
-No.
Ok…hey Daddy?
-Yeah?
Forget what I said about me loving you.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) June 16, 2014
Having a preschooler with excellent math skills is great until he uses said skills to figure out how many cookies you actually ate.
Busted.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) June 18, 2014
You know, my house is exactly like Downton Abbey except for all of the screaming, string cheese and urine on everything.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) June 17, 2014
Thanks to my kids, I’d gladly trade my suburban for an old, junker limousine if only for the soundproof partition window.
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) June 18, 2014
Today’s theme was crazy hat day at camp. You know what my favorite camp theme is? Take my kids for the day. The end.
— The Dose of Reality (@TheDoseTweets) June 18, 2014
Rock, paper, scissors but to decide who stands in a long line at the Post Office and who stays in the car with a screaming toddler.
— That Carly Girl (@thatcarlygirl) June 16, 2014
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) June 14, 2014
8yo, looking through my browser windows: What’s the NIIT?
Me: Net investment income tax.
8yo: Hmm. Is it interesting?
*Loaded question*
— Kelly Phillips Erb (@taxgirl) June 19, 2014
My son, upon arriving at Grandma’s in NY: "Can you make long distance calls from here?"
Mom: "What does he think it is, Europe?"
— Jennifer Mendelsohn (@CleverTitleTK) June 19, 2014
My two children are elbowing one another. As one of them hasn’t been born yet, this is rather uncomfortable for me.
— Emma Kavanagh (@EmmaLK) June 18, 2014
Me: Not to brag but I totally fixed that talking doll for the kids
Wife: You just changed the batteries
Me: *adds “electrician” to résumé*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2014
The last rule in all game rule booklets at my house must read:
14. To officially officially end the game, someone must start crying.
— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) June 13, 2014
My kid says: Daddy, can I have a balloon?
I hear: Daddy, will you buy me a floating microcosm of life, death, joy, and disappointment.
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) June 18, 2014
If parenting were a video game I’d be in survival mode.
— Courtney Christine (@Discourt) June 19, 2014
When you have children and something sounds like a mountain brook in the hall—you should check.
— Andry H’tims (@Thing_Finder) June 19, 2014
I hold my glasses of wine the same way I hold my babies. For dear life.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) June 15, 2014
Just in case you are feeling badly about your nutrition, I had Goldfish, fruit snacks, and Bud Light for dinner tonight.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) June 17, 2014
So funny that 5-8pm every night makes me never want to have another kid.
— Dad or Alive (@dad_or_alive) June 19, 2014
My kids just offered to change bedtime to 5:30 if I pay them a one time fee of a million dollars so I’m here asking you to give what you can
— Kalvin Macleod (@KalvinMacleod) June 14, 2014
4yo is crying because 2yo’s farts keep waking him up. That’s all I’ve got folks. This is my life. Goodnight.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) June 19, 2014
ME: What’re you reading?
ZOEY: I don’t know. I can’t read.
ME: Too bad. You could learn something from it. pic.twitter.com/HozWRBqtiS
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) June 17, 2014
Read More
Last Week’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week
This Washington Monument Replica Looks Like Something Slightly Less Patriotic
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!
Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways — so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
This week, we’re so happy to welcome guest curator, Melissa Sher, a Best Parenting Tweets veteran with a knack for humor who speaks the truth about parenthood on her blog, Mammalingo, and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read her selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @thismelissasher on Twitter for more!
My dad once told me, "Don’t feel bad if you strike out. That just means we can get out of here sooner.” #Dadvice
— jimmy fallon (@jimmyfallon) June 11, 2014
Wife: "Hey, Boone, do you want cereal or oatmeal for breakfast?" Boone: "What do ninjas eat?"
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) June 9, 2014
I’m, son come and show me how this thing works! "years old"
— Miniwheats (@Miniwheats2012) June 11, 2014
Me: What’s the opposite of tall?
4-year-old: Short.
Me: What’s the opposite of fast?
4: Slow.
Me: What’s the opposite of fun?
4: You.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2014
Confession: sometimes I encourage cheating at Candy Land, because it makes the game end sooner.
— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) June 11, 2014
*watches son shoot himself in the face with a rubber band*
*tells wife not to expect any "my child is an honor student" bumper stickers*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2014
"Stop competing with each other," I yell at my kids way louder than they can.
— Kalvin Macleod (@KalvinMacleod) June 11, 2014
Possible sign that I’m failing as a dad: my son hit me in the groin as a joke & then didn’t get why I was in excruciating pain.
#parenting
— Mike (@MikeDaddyReal) June 9, 2014
I am outraged my daughter was shown The Karate Kid in school today. It was the new one.
— Sisterhood of Moms (@SensibleMoms) June 13, 2014
I already know my daughter’s quality of life will exceed mine because she escaped the 6th grade without a perm.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 11, 2014
ZOEY: Was the planet Pluto named after the dog?
ME: Yes, they named the planet that’s been around for billions of years after the dog.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) June 10, 2014
X just told me I’m getting on his last nerve. Because I am making him button his own shirt.
— Cheryl P. Stober (@cherylstober) June 10, 2014
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
— charliecapen (@charliecapen) June 10, 2014
Just spent an hour attempting to explain to my 3 year the difference between Baltimore and Voldemort.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) June 10, 2014
It is so weird that I have a 4yo child. Not because it makes me feel old, but because it’s amazing I’ve kept him alive that long.
— Nate Smith (@bestnatesmith) June 12, 2014
I just saw a family with 4 very unhappy adolescents at a highway rest stop. I’ve seen my future and it’s everything I dreamed it would be.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) June 8, 2014
2yo won’t look at me because I just tried to tell her the song doesn’t actually go: "ashes ashes, we all freak out!"
Why do I bother?
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) June 9, 2014
I"m taking 3 kids to the zoo. I’m telling you that now in case something appears on the news later.
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) June 12, 2014
My 10 year-old thinks "WTF" means "Where’s the food?" and the day he finds out differently I will take to my bed.
— Jeni (@highlyirritable) June 12, 2014
If you have a 5 year who wipes their own ass, I’d like to sign up for your parenting classes.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) June 11, 2014
Toddlers, can’t live with em’, can’t convince them to play in the dog kennel a little longer while you make dinner.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) June 12, 2014
4yo: "(unintelligible mumbling)"
Me: "What?"
4yo, annoyed: "I SAID THAT I CAN’T TALK BECAUSE I’M PUTTING MY CHIN ON THE BATHTUB!!"
Me: "Oh."
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) June 8, 2014
Parenthood can be described in one word.
Exhaustirewardamnfrustratamazing.
— SHANtilly Lace (@shashaintl) June 11, 2014
Being a mom means there is never enough time in the day and even worse there is never enough sleep in the night.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) June 11, 2014
Read More
Last Week’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week
The Craigslist Ad Every Parent Could Write At Some Point Or Another
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!
Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was "I know how to start a fire!" so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
— Wendy (@maughammom) May 21, 2014
My son is insistent on picking out my clothes today. He’s either going to be a well-dressed man or a really annoying husband some day.
— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) May 28, 2014
Kids: why take only five minutes to get ready when you could stretch it out into an hour of pointless torture instead.
— Sara (@soccerskiingmom) May 25, 2014
It would be cool if yawning was like strength-training for your jaw. Parents would be able to bite through phone books.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 28, 2014
Discovering a brand of cookies that you and your spouse love but the kids all hate is like winning the parenthood lottery.
— Linda in Disguise (@LindaInDisguise) May 27, 2014
When they’re quietly playing together and not fighting, I start to wonder if maybe I’M the problem.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) May 30, 2014
The best way for me to get my 3 year old’s attention is to try and rest for a second.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) May 23, 2014
4 y/o refuses to learn my phone number because it’s "too hard" but can tell you the names & personality traits of every My Little Pony.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) May 30, 2014
"Mommy, what does 3 plus 4 equal?"
"7"
"For real?"
"For real."
— Casey Carey-Brown (@lifewithRoozle) May 27, 2014
When my kids complain that the internet is too slow, I show them Grandpa’s old set of encyclopedias and say, "This was my Google."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 25, 2014
Just got a note that Disney released their “Disney Karaoke: Frozen” app for iPad today. Not to be paranoid, but I think Disney hates moms.
— Karen Walrond (@Chookooloonks) May 29, 2014
You think you live on the edge?Sometimes when I hear, "Hey dad, can I eat this?" from the other room, I say yes.
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) May 27, 2014
My son asked if I had a "moat button", which I regrettably do not. I would have certainly pushed it and put him in the water.
— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) May 24, 2014
4yo: Dad, I’m saving these quarters for YOU. For a new house.
Translation: Dad get your shit together. I want my own bedroom.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) May 28, 2014
You think your day was bad? At least your kid didn’t see DJ Lance Rock from Yo Gabba Gabba on TV and say, "It’s Daddy!" today.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) May 24, 2014
My kid is playing shortstop and by playing I mean she’s been filling her baseball pants pockets with dirt for the last 10 minutes.
— In Tha Burbs (@InThaBurbs) May 31, 2014
Daddy, Where do babies come from?
ME: They are ordered on the internet. — No stork stories here.
— Earl (@a_Divorced_Dad) May 26, 2014
Good news: My son can now buckle himself into the car seat.
Bad News: It takes 10 minutes for my son to buckle himself into the car seat.
— The Cisco Kid (@TheCiscoKidder) May 23, 2014
Kid: Mom, why are you listening to Dancing Queen?
Me: Because I’m old.
Kid: Good answer.
— MarinkaNYC (@MarinkaNYC) May 29, 2014
*drives 15 somewhere, makes turn*
15: why is your blinker still on? OMG turn it off, you’re embarrassing me!
Me: …
*leaves blinker on*
— KCM (@kcmoore51) May 24, 2014
Had a dream last night that my daughter finally figured out how to climb out of her crib.
No, wait, that’s actually a nightmare.
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) May 28, 2014
I think tonight’s one of those nights when I bake cookies AFTER the kids go to bed…and leave no evidence.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 29, 2014
“I bet it would be fun to have a miniature person who second guesses every decision we ever make.”–people who have kids on purpose
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2014
Before you have kids, ask yourself if you can tolerate all the screaming and crying.
OH, and the kids can be loud too.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) May 25, 2014
My kids spend exactly 12.79 seconds actually brushing their teeth and 2 minutes repeatedly asking "am I done yet?".
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) May 29, 2014
Neighbor: "I don’t like to be here at bedtime."
Me: "Neither do I. Take me with you."
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) May 29, 2014
That moment when your kid sleepwalks into your bedroom in the middle of the night and bellyflops on your face.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) May 29, 2014
Read More
Last Week’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week
‘Convos With My 2-Year-Old’ Tackles Explaining Dreams To Toddlers
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!
Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Mornings would be easier if the school bus driver would agree to circle the block a few times while my kid looks for his shoes.
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) March 19, 2014
Sex Ed for teenagers should include trying to get 2 kids ready for school in the morning.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) March 19, 2014
Me: I got the kids dressed.
Wife: Our toddler is wearing one sock. And one shoe. And they’re not even on the same foot.
Close enough.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2014
If your toddler hands you something and you have to ask, "Why is this wet?" it’s safe to assume you don’t really want to know.
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) March 18, 2014
Don’t think a 2 year old won’t tell on you
— Elijah Shombla (@Blacktating) March 17, 2014
There are two types of parents: those who admit to playing fetch with their toddler, and liars.
— John (Dad) (@askdadblog) March 16, 2014
My 5-year-old just seriously asked if his grandmother was born with her glasses on her face.
— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) March 16, 2014
There’s a place in hell for people who buy out all the Frozen toys and resell them on eBay. And "Let It Go" is on an infinite loop there.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) March 18, 2014
Her: I know how to spell "Olaf."
Me: Yeah? How?
Her: 2 Rs, a P and a D.
Me: That’s probably incorrect.
Her: There is also a 5 in there.
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) March 20, 2014
7yo: That would be awesome if it was actually raining cats and dogs. Free cats and dogs for like 20 minutes!!
Good point, son.
— inappropriate mom (@nicfit75) March 21, 2014
82% of parenting is making sure your kids don’t do something fatal today
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 21, 2014
I’m always bitching about our high cable bill but if you think about it, 100+ dollars a month ain’t bad for a full-time babysitter.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) March 19, 2014
To use our family’s new kid safe f-word substitute: Park this weather. I am so parking over it. Park! *shakes fist at sky*
— sarahdessen (@sarahdessen) March 18, 2014
"Do you like dicks, mommy?"
PARDON ME?!
"Do you like sticks?"
Ooohhh. Umm, sure.
— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) March 18, 2014
I just got my hair cut and the guy was like ‘what shampoo do you use?’ and I was like ‘suave 2 in 1 for kids’ and he stuttered.
— Li’l Edie Surly (@JennyPentland) March 20, 2014
4yo: "Mum, you can’t skip now you’re old can you?"
*sobs*
— Twitflup (@Twitflup) March 19, 2014
There’s going to be a hungry 3yo in Los Angeles today if she insists on not eating last night’s leftovers because it’s now "used food."
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) March 21, 2014
My 7yo ate a yellow Starburst and didn’t say anything so he shall henceforth be known as "He Who Tolerates the Yellow".
— Wendy (@maughammom) March 17, 2014
Concerned citizen: "I think maybe it’s naptime?"
Me: "No ma’am, we think she has rabies."
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) March 19, 2014
I don’t mind when my kids whine because it reminds me to get more wine.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) March 21, 2014
Any guy who’s ever been voted Dad of the Year has at one time or another let his kids eat Froot Loops for dinner
— Darin McFunkyPants (@darinlovesbacon) March 22, 2014
"Massage should be consensual!" – the kind of thing I yell at my kids
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) March 22, 2014
I am saddened by the fact that I am no longer alarmed when my fingers smell like someone else’s poo. This, my friends, is parenting.
— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) March 15, 2014
And the final tally of what the almost 2yo ate today? chapstick-2 vegetables-0. Thanks for playing.
— shannon (@trashcanmuffin) March 20, 2014
Me: "Are you just pretending to sleep?"
4yo: (Shakes head "no".)
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) March 23, 2014
Read More
Last Week’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week
The World Would Be A Better Place If Everyone Woke Up Like This Baby
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!
Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Read the latest batch below and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
If my 3yo kid wakes up at 4:30 AM just to tell me she’s a superhero, her powers need to include going back in time to make better decisions.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) February 24, 2014
It’s more than a little discouraging when your toddler yells "Mommy, put on makeup!" and you’re already wearing it.
— Laura Gutin Peterson (@lagutey) February 26, 2014
My 1-year-old daughter said, “awesome,” and then put up her hand for a high-five. Apparently I’m raising a bro.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014
The best way to start a brawl at a 4yo’s birthday party is to serve a Frozen themed cake w/only two slices that contain part of Elsa’s head.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) March 2, 2014
"Please don’t lick me" is something I have to say far too often to my kids
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) February 24, 2014
Thought 4yo put peanut butter in her hair to remove something sticky as I had done before. Turns out it was to go w/ jelly already in there.
— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) February 28, 2014
My youngest kid is still runs-into-me-to-see-what-sound-I’ll-make-years-old.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) February 24, 2014
Too Late for Naps Too Early for Bed: A Memoir
— Jen Doll (@thisisjendoll) February 24, 2014
Pins and needles in my legs. Apparently I’ve been hiding in the bathroom and playing on my phone too long.
— JD Bailey (@JDhonestMom) February 24, 2014
The soundtrack to my mental breakdown will be the theme song from Jesse.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) February 24, 2014
"She stepped on one too many goldfish and LEGOs barefoot" will be on my committal papers.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) March 1, 2014
PSA of the day: If you give your toddler markers & paper just know you could have saved the paper. They don’t plan on using it. AT. ALL.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) February 26, 2014
I have sworn in front of my child approximately 962 times today. No word I can say, however, is as tempting or fun for him to say as "poop."
— Jen Simon (@NoSleepInBklyn) February 19, 2014
"At your doc appt. today, there will be shots, hon."
"Oh, that’s OK. I like shots b/c you get fun bandages."
[Somebody! Mark these words!]
— Nicole Blades (@NicoleBlades) February 25, 2014
Told my 6 year old that we’ll be celebrating my wife’s birthday on Saturday and now he’s super-excited to play in the bouncy castle.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) February 27, 2014
Oh my God! Red sauce touched the girls’ pasta. NATIONAL EMERGENCY! NATIONAL EMERGENCY!
— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) February 28, 2014
It’s amazing that after almost three years of Dora-watching, my urge to punch Swiper in the face hasn’t ebbed at all.
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) February 28, 2014
Instead of telling our Kids to "Stop interrupting!", we say "Stop Kanye Westing!"
— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) March 1, 2014
"You gotta live your life before getting tied down" 10 yr old girls wisdom coming from the back seat
— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) February 26, 2014
Me: Go play. You don’t need to stand there & stare at me.
3: What if I sit down & smile at you?
*sits
*smiles up at me
Me: …Well played.
— Wendy (@maughammom) February 28, 2014
I can’t get out of my 3 yr olds room at bedtime without singing her 5 SONGS. I’ve let this whole thing get away from me.
— Playground Dad (@playgrounddad) February 27, 2014
Went to kiss my 6yo goodnight & she said, "HOW could I say NO this this FACE??" and opened her arms wide. Then I died of cuteness.
— LetMeStartBySaying (@LetMeStart) February 28, 2014
Keep clicking…
Last Week’s Best Parenting Tweets Of The Week
The 10 Toddler Commandments
11 Cringeworthy Secrets Our Kids Have Shared
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!
Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Read the latest batch below and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My children’s new year’s resolution appears to be to mash up crackers and leave crumbs in every room of the house.
— Sarah Kelber (@sarahkelber) January 1, 2014
Someday when he’s older I hope my son cooks me a meal and when he does I’m going to look at him and throw it all on the floor, bit by bit.
— Claire Zulkey (@Zulkey) January 4, 2014
I lead by example for my kids. So, when teaching them sparkler safety, I burned the shit out of my finger. Now they know not to do that.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) January 3, 2014
"Mom, why do you have a chicken butt on your head?" is just one example of the many questions I won’t be answering today.
— VodkaFelix n Soul (@Vodkantots) January 3, 2014
My kids don’t like my delicious baked macaroni and cheese but will ask for the junk in the box. This can’t be life.
— Blacktatia (@Blacktating) January 4, 2014
No
Shhhhh
Ugh
Get away from me
You’re adopted
Time for bed
-things I said to my kids this morning
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) January 5, 2014
It is now time for the festival of maternal sighing & wondering why no one will help, also known as "Taking Down the Tree".
— Mommyland Rants (@mommylandrants) January 3, 2014
Have a toddler –
Because it’s fun to groom someone against her will.
— Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy_Cooperman) December 18, 2013
Me: Hold your horses.
3-year-old: I don’t have any horses.
Me: That’s not what I mean.
3: Don’t be mean to horses.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 3, 2014
Which is more amusing a) your child walks out of a car and into the airport with only one shoe on b) your husband doesn’t notice
— Ellen Seidman (@LoveThatMax) January 1, 2014
Sippy cups. All vessels should be like sippy cups. Open but spill proof at the same time. By gosh I will crack this in 2014
— Farhad Manjoo (@fmanjoo) January 1, 2014
Me: "I love you very much."
4yo (head butting my stomach): "I RHINO you very much!"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) January 1, 2014
The good news is that I won. The bad news is that I was playing Candyland against my son.
— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) December 31, 2013
*3am*
4yo: *kicks open our bedroom door*
Wife and I: *know better than to move or talk*
4yo:
Us:
4yo:
Us:
4yo: NEVERMIND!
*slams door shut*
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) January 2, 2014
Mom, can I have cold pizza for breakfast?
If you need me, I’ll be outside painting Greek letters on the house and looking for a kegerator.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) January 2, 2014
If school’s out for 3 weeks and you only have 10 days’ worth of patience, good cheer and craft projects, how much "Sam & Cat" is acceptable?
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) January 2, 2014
I just said, "I’m your mother, not your servant," and somewhere my mom fell into convulsions of gleeful laughter.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) January 2, 2014
I like to carry a child with small hands with me in case of Pringles.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) January 2, 2014
My son keeps calling me "Sandwich Guy" and I have no idea if he means it as an insult or praise.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 3, 2014
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
— Wendy (@maughammom) January 3, 2014
"I didn’t just spend enough time with my kids over the two week break. How about a snow day?" Said no mother ever.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) January 3, 2014
My 3yo: "Just because it’s 2014 doesn’t mean haters are going to stop hating."
— Daddy’sLittleMiracle (@daddyslilmiracl) January 2, 2014
MORE ON HUFFPOST PARENTS…
Last week’s tweets of the week
Look what this Alabama couple named their son
Sh*t every new parent should know
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!
Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Click through the slideshow below to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!
The United States Of America, In 3 Tweets
Thankful for shopping
— Kenzie Lind (@thekenzielind) November 28, 2013
Also for hot tamales
— Kenzie Lind (@thekenzielind) November 28, 2013
FIGHT AT WALMART
— Kenzie Lind (@thekenzielind) November 29, 2013
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!
Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Click through the slideshow below to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!