Tweets

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 20, 2017

Before you have kids someone should be required to tell you how many hours of your life will be spent applying sunscreen.

— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) June 17, 2017

Today is the longest day of the year or if you're a parent just like every day over summer until your kids go back to school.

— The Unfit Father (@TheUnfitFather) June 21, 2017

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) June 19, 2017

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 17, 2017

Currently in that phase of parenthood where I'm regularly jealous of my parents' weekend plans.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 22, 2017

Hi, I'm Mom. You might know me from such hits as, "We'll see," "DON'T TOUCH THE POOP," and "Are you god damn kidding me"

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 22, 2017

I used to hate the sound of my alarm clock ringing at 6:30am, until I woke today to the sound of a 4y.o. blowing a recorder at 6:30am.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 21, 2017

Toddlers are the Johnny Appleseed of crumbs, spreading crumbs everywhere. But the only thing they're growing is the impatience of parents.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 18, 2017

What's less fun than moving? Moving with 2 kids and 12,000 tiny toys.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) June 21, 2017

One of my twins is 3" taller than the other + they have diff hair/eye colors, so when someone asks if they're identical, I always say "yes"

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 16, 2017

I take my coffee iced with a splash of cream and a heaping spoonful of crying and whining from my kids.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) June 19, 2017

WIFE: so realistically, what do you want for father's day?
ME: i dunno, maybe just some peace and quiet
WIFE: lol i know, but realistically

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 17, 2017

Parenthood is full of surprises. Fix your child's favorite breakfast, yogurt with peaches, and SURPRISE! They now hate yogurt. And peaches.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 22, 2017

Bad news: my kids haven't been sleeping well lately.

Good news: At least they're trying to stay woke.

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) June 21, 2017

Just texted my kids to turn down the TV in case you were curious how strong my dad game was.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 22, 2017

“Still got it,” I whisper to myself as a detangle a Hot Wheel from my hair.

— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) June 8, 2017

Last day of school:

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking when first day of school is]

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 19, 2017

If your kid isn't begging for a snack, did they even eat dinner 5 minutes ago?

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 22, 2017

I showed my kids a pic of me as a kid to show them I was young once & they responded by telling me "I bet you failed a lot of math tests."

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) June 21, 2017

Me: stop playing with your food

Son: if you didnt want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets?

M: touchė

— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 21, 2017

After my kids fall asleep I peek into their room and think, "How can those precious little people be such assholes?"

— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) June 22, 2017

Struggle through childbirth and the early years so you can reap the reward of a small person you gave life to telling you they hate you.

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) June 4, 2017

I'm writing a pre-parenting book called, "You Think You Know What It's Going To Be Like But You Have No Freaking Idea."

— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) June 2, 2017

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 7, 2017

"YOU KNOW I HATE WHITE CHEESE!!!!" screams my son, who for the last year of his life would literally only eat white cheese.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) June 6, 2017

My daughter gets so pumped watching Disney films. She loves that they all have singing, dancing and a part when the parents die.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 4, 2017

What, you mean all parents don't refer to putting their kids to bed as "putting them away?"

— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 6, 2017

The community pool is now open for business and the first person to tell my kids gets a punch straight to the throat.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) June 7, 2017

I forgot the diaper bag so I’m at the doctor’s office with diapers hanging out of my pockets and I think the moms in the lobby are impressed

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 7, 2017

The main thing I’ve learned from giving my kids chores is that you can do a crappy job at literally anything if you put your mind to it.

— Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) June 6, 2017

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I've ever said as a dad or a human.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 6, 2017

At this point, I'm more shocked when my kids DON'T need to suddenly poop in the middle of any meal.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 5, 2017

Boy, I sound like a real asshole when my kids impersonate me.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) June 7, 2017

Parent: Are you hungry?
Kid: No.
[5 seconds later]
Parent: Want a snack?
Kid: YES!

— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) June 7, 2017

Me: *Friday night* I'm so glad it's the weekend. Maybe I can finally get some rest.

2yo: *Saturday at 6am* *screeches like a velociraptor*

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 3, 2017

I don't have much empathy for you. I had to suffer through my kids watching Wonder Pets.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 9, 2017

When your son pours himself a cup of milk from the gallon jug, and your life flashes before your eyes.

— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) June 3, 2017

Parenthood is…

Spending 5 minutes just sitting in the car while your kids argue over who is going to walk back and close the front door.

— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) June 7, 2017

My 3-year-old just announced she was gonna be a rainbow and then disappeared with 15 bottles of nail polish.

This isn't going to end well.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 6, 2017

The worst part of parenting is having to tell someone it was a great throw when really it was an awful throw.

— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) June 6, 2017

I can't! It doesn't work! HELP MEEEE! *sobs* PLEEAAASSSEEE! It's broken! IT'S BROKENNNN! [runs from room]

-my 3yo trying to eat a Pop-tart

— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) June 8, 2017

What's the opposite of getting knocked-out? I’m looking for a word to describe being awakened from a deep sleep by a toddler kick to my face

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 3, 2017

All three of my children have strep. In lieu of flowers please send coffee and wine to: hasn't slept or showered in two days, Maryland.

— Stephanie Rodham (@StephDsays) June 7, 2017

Signing your kid up for weekend soccer is a great way to spend a beautiful Saturday resenting others enjoying a beautiful Saturday at home.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 3, 2017

Ugh it's so hot!

*gets hit by two drops of pool water*

SPLASH ME AGAIN AND I'LL DONATE ALL YOUR TOYS.

— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) June 7, 2017

8: Wanna see a magic trick?
*I check my schedule to make sure I'm free for next three hours

— Professor Mehriarty (@TheAlexNevil) June 8, 2017

My kids started calling their Netflix profile "the brother we've always wanted" if you're wondering how screen management is going here.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) June 9, 2017

Seriously considering lining my kids' bathroom with puppy pads.

— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) June 8, 2017

Parenting: where being able to hear a pin drop is either blissful or terrifying.

— The Mehsozoic Era (@TheAlexNevil) May 24, 2017

Imagine having kids and also being able to concentrate on something hahahaha

— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 22, 2017

My kids throw a lot of shade for tiny people completely dependent on me for survival.

— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) May 24, 2017

I feel like I don't get enough credit for all the times I only screamed at my kids in my head.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 22, 2017

I am "my morning was spent investigating WHO tossed underwear into the toilet" years into parenting

— dadmissions (@Dadmissions) May 22, 2017

[Me after 10 minutes at the playground]

Omg, we've been here for like a million years.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 20, 2017

Just heard 7yo yell out from the other room: "You'll never get away with this!"

I'm a little scared but excited to see how this plays out.

— Winey Mama (@coffeeAMwinePM) May 21, 2017

I bet the person who invented the MUTE button on your phone was a parent who worked from home.

— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) May 23, 2017

I'm just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I've had enough of their shit for one day

— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) May 24, 2017

My signature move is buying something "for the kids" and then eating the whole thing before they get home

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 24, 2017

When I finally teach my youngest to blow his nose & cover his mouth when he sneezes, I will consider the hardest parts of parenting over.

— Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 24, 2017

If you miss your children just find a quiet place to sit by yourself and relax.

They will find you…

— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) May 25, 2017

Parents who send your children to school with brushed hair in May, I salute you

— Farah Miller (@farahlearned) May 23, 2017

Sometimes you eat a gourmet meal & sometimes you stand in your kitchen & eat your kid's leftover nuggets and tots. It's called parenthood.

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 21, 2017

My son just asked for a Starbucks Crapuccino & I don't plan to ever correct him.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) May 20, 2017

My kid walking in the house after the last day of school. pic.twitter.com/rjQohgZSDX

— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) May 25, 2017

Come to my house when I'm getting my kids ready to go somewhere and literally watch me age.

— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) May 21, 2017

I don't always go shopping with all of my kids, but when I do, I wish I had left them at home.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 22, 2017

Yesterday was the last day of school and my kids are already done with all of the activities planned for them to do at home this summer.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 26, 2017

My kids’ favorite summer activity is getting a cup of water, taking 1 sip before dumping it out, and leaving it in the sink for me to wash.

— Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) May 24, 2017

An alternate reality where kids actually listen the first time and dinner just makes itself.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) May 21, 2017

People that send your kids off to summer camps, what's it like to be able to finish a thought without being interrupted?

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 24, 2017

I wish I loved anything as much as my kids love making me mad.

— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 22, 2017

My son currently describes himself as "a fidget spinner pro" and "a kid who does good armpit farts" so this should be a fun summer.

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 24, 2017

Legit couldn't find my kid for 10 minutes during a game of hide and seek. Yes I was trying. Her room was just that messy.

— Jennifer Borget (@JenniferBorget) May 25, 2017

Me: What happened, you spilled your juice?
2yo: Yeah.
Me: It's ok, was it an accident?
2yo: No.
Me: Aw, ok let's clean it- wait. what?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 21, 2017

The same kid who claimed she needs a fidget spinner b/c she "can't focus" just spent 8 minutes picking every sesame seed off her bagel.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) May 21, 2017

How to survive summer break?

Easy. Don't pick your kids up on the last day of school.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) May 18, 2017

Being a mom sometimes means that you need to hold Darth Maul's double-bladed lightsaber while he goes to poop.

— O' live (@offbeatoliv) May 17, 2017

My 2-year-old called the vehicle for sick people a "wee woo truck" and now I don't even remember what the right name is anymore.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 17, 2017

"It's pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself."

-my family

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 17, 2017

Remove your kids' glitter from your clothes in 3 simple steps:

1) Burn your clothes.
2) Don't buy glitter, fool.
3) Repeat steps 1 & 2.

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) May 16, 2017

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) May 15, 2017

Actual footage of me making dinner for my kids pic.twitter.com/GDt3K9XeQd

— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 18, 2017

I'm not saying it's a conspiracy, but I AM saying our parents downplayed how hard parenting is just so we would give them grandchildren.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 16, 2017

Husband & I drew straws to decide who'd go to the junior high spring concert, & who'd stay home with the little kids.

(We both lost.)

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) May 17, 2017

Me to kids: Stop playing with toys while you eat!
Also me: [eats lunch while scrolling Twitter]

— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 18, 2017

The day after Mother's Day is a great reminder that your family still doesn't know how to do common household tasks.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 15, 2017

Grocery List
1.) Free cookie from bakery
2.) Broken jar pushed off shelf
3.) Snack to calm toddler
4.) Stop toddler from undressing
5.) Milk

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 15, 2017

Realistic parenting goals like: not drowning in a sea of dishes.

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 19, 2017

Fifty shades of khaki shorts.
The dads of summer.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 19, 2017

As a wife and mother, my main job is pretty much just suggesting solutions to people who are actively ignoring me.

— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) May 18, 2017

10: Mom, what's a pack rat?
Me: *waves hand across her room* This.

— Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 17, 2017

My daughter thinks she has invented ice cream salad, which is actually just 2 kinds of ice cream in a bowl. This is how genius is revealed.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) May 18, 2017

Me: *playing with fidget spinner*
I don't get it. This is dumb.

[2 hrs later]

Me: *still playing with fidget spinner*
So dumb.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 17, 2017

12 is a really bright kid, but he's still not smart enough to figure out I can always tell when he's lying.

— Momzilla111 (@Momzilla111) May 18, 2017

friend: What's it like having kids?
me *says something that doesn't make any fucking sense*
friend: What?
me: Exactly

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 15, 2017

When is the part where we all settle down for a long winter's nap?

— Meredith (@PerfectPending) December 19, 2016

Having kids means you finally finish your Christmas shopping & then your kids give you their "updated" Christmas lists.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 19, 2016

The recipe never mentions how much wine you will need to get through baking cookies with your kids.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 21, 2016

I know you think you know creepy, but until a small human stands over you at 2am and whispers "My cars are awake", you don't know creepy.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) December 20, 2016

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want
Me: I want you to move the elf tonight.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 19, 2016

I was excited for my kid's first Xmas program til it occurred to me I will have to sit through a zillion of these in the next twelve years.

— Selfies to Selfless (@SelfiesSelfless) December 21, 2016

These kid shoe storage cubbies were clearly a great investment. pic.twitter.com/P5rWJhILZf

— Sara (@smilely_gal) December 21, 2016

That moment when you finally finish the last batch of rolled Christmas cookies and your kids lost interest 40 mins ago.

— Jenna Fischer (@jennafischer) December 21, 2016

I love that cute married thing we do where the kids open their gifts on Christmas Day & my husband pretends to know what "we" got them.

— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) December 22, 2016

If I've learned anything in 8 years as a parent it's that I still have a lot to learn. Oh & kids know everything & aren't afraid to tell you

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) December 19, 2016

Lady in a store: Merry Christmas!

4-year-old: I don't want to marry Christmas.

Lady:

4: Well, maybe I do.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 20, 2016

I just paid three hundred fake dollars for an imaginary cookie. Even the pretend economy is in bad shape…

— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) December 21, 2016

Lower your expectations for a relaxing school break.

Lower.
Lower.
Looower.
Yes. Right there.

-Kids.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) December 19, 2016

*Drinks five Red Bulls*

"Ok I'm ready to wrap gifts now."

— ❄SardonicTart❄ (@SardonicTart) December 18, 2016

"If you eat all 24 pieces of your Advent calendar in one day it is still not Christmas."

Me…to the 4 year old.

— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) December 20, 2016

All I want for Xmas is for my son to remember to bring his gym clothes home.

— The Next Martha (@TheNextMartha) December 22, 2016

7yo: Why did you pick me up from my friend's house?!?

Me: Mommy said to

7yo: You need a reason!

Me: I just do what she says same as you

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 22, 2016

6: Mooom! My brother just threw an Oreo at my head!
Me: OMG!
6: Yeah, I know, he's so mea-
Me: Were you able to save the Oreo?!

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 19, 2016

In the race between my kids picking out a snack from the pantry and me picking out a show on Netflix, nobody wins.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 20, 2016

I just used the line "I carried you in my womb, so you can fetch my mosquito repellent for me. Thanks"

(it worked) #parenting

— Cath (@cathjenkin) December 20, 2016